Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Occasional Definitions: Got Gas? Got Wood?

Wood:

(1) The original solid fuel.

(2) What you'd do if you could. Oh, wait a minute, that's "would." Never mind.

(3) Complex naturally-occurring polymer of sugar generally regarded as a pretty nifty thing, used to make furniture and pencils, among many other fine products. Unfortunately wood, like everything else, is at least 99% blank, empty space seething with random energies and subject to violent quantum fluctuations that can be understood feebly at best, and then only through sophisticated stochastic methods requiring the attainment of advanced educational levels at obscure institutions. It's a strange and frightening universe, so watch out next time you throw a stick onto that fire there, Bud.

Woodgas Stove:

(1) A simple but clever type of wood-burning stove in which the fuel burns from the top down, so that smoke rises into the flame and is consumed. Can be made simply enough to serve as a lightweight and nearly foolproof backpacking stove.

(2) A stove that burns fumes from wood that's been eating the wrong stuff.

(3) A mythical device created to burn naturally-occurring but evasive gas emanating from forests. Based on the "swamp gas stove," which burns naturally-occurring gas emanating from swamps. Also mythical. This was derived from the "spirit burner" a device used by third degree initiates into the secret society of transcendental esoteric ectoplasmic spiritualist chemists, who worked exclusively in the dark, behind heavy, locked, oaken doors draped with thick, sound-deadening curtains. Also mythical.

From: Fire In Your Hand


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