Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Wubilya Pee Bee And Me

Shedding simplified.

Yep. Marketing has done gone and won.

You ask anybody what to do when it rains, they say Gortecks, like something caught in their throat, or they swearing or something, and you ain't smart enough to catch up.

But after a while you do. I thought that flying saucer robot guy, that it was about him, Gort, and his previous wife, maybe. But not.

Not Gort and his ex but William Randolph Gort or something and his stuff, which he invented, and was patented by his son R.W., usually called by the name "Gore-Tex". Which explains the Gortecks sound. For Gort Texnology I guess.

Anyway all about miracles and not getting wet. I always thought William Randolph Gort was the newspaper guy behind that whole Rosebud thing but stand corrected. He was into jackets. And pants. Outdoor stuff.

This is about rainwear.

Rainwear and miracles. And the miracle is waterproof-while-breathable (WPB), as seen from the inside, where you are. Put this on and you can hike about forever, stay dry, and not sweat or suffer rotting pits.

However, there is problems in Pitsville nevertheless. Like the waterproof is OK. And the rest...is spotty. You wear some Tex de Gore clothes and you find out the meaning of 3% breathable. Which leaves the other 97% not-so-much. Compared to what, which is the main question, which is probably naked.

However hiking naked is chillier. And not dry neither.

There have been those that considered alternatives. Which are the usual: ponchos or jackets built like plastic bags, 10-gauge double-rubber coated stinkwear, umbrellas, other miracle Texes like Páramo. Going with regular clothes and dying quite soon, and miserable. Or going naked, which as noted is worse for all kinds of reasons.

Now you wonder about bears. And deer. And even raccoons. All in hair shirts, and somehow they get by. No Gort. No Tex. No Tex-Mex. Nothing fancy. So there must be a thing there. Something going on.

Which might be the clue.

Here's what you can try, and probably save money. I'd like to see it. All you need is a family-size bottle of Hair-B-Thick Pelt Stimulator pills. And maybe some Nikwax for the finish. And disposable razors for afterward.

Start with the pills a couple weeks before hiking season. After you get a nice even coat started (at least an inch, all over), brush it every night. And use a good quality pet wash. This will keep it glossy.

Then, the night before your trip, massage in a bottle of Nikwax, let 'er dry, and then rinse.

That should do for a week. And now you can hike naked too if you want. By this point no one can tell anyhow. And due to the fur, you won't need a heavy sleeping bag or extra clothes. While hiking, if you seem to be taking on water, give yourself a good dog shake and you ought to be fine.

Cons:

  1. Spooking other backpackers, but quite a few are naturally hairy so this is nothing new.
  2. Spooking day hikers (like we care).
  3. Unfortunate incidents during hunting season. (Be sure to dye yourself bright orange first.)
  4. Getting cited for excessive shedding.

Might be worth a try. You go first.

Etc.

Páramo Directional Clothing Systems

The Pet Wash

Hair-B-Thick Pelt Stimulator

  • Stimulates new growth, revives old growth
  • Promotes shinier, thicker, faster-growing hair and/or pelts
  • Works for women and men and so on
  • Effective for all pelt types
  • Doctor-formulated
  • Gluten-free


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