Your questions answered.
If you ever go hiking or backpacking and, once you're out there you sort of stop and think "Hey – what do I do now?", well, there's an answer to that.
Like, for example, you're facing a terminal situation and you know that no matter what, you're going to bite it. So you should know How to Kiss Your Ass Goodbye.
And, if you are in this situation, and find that you have a little more time than you expected, there is How to Dig Your Own Grave.
But that's getting extreme. More likely you'll be wanting more common advice, like How to Have a Safe Camping Trip With Your Pet Rock, or How to Eat Worms.
(Note for those who don't like worms – see How to Attract a Centipede.)
(Extra note if you have a big appetite – see How to Trap and Eat Texas.)
If successful at mastering the above techniques, but still alive, and still lost, then plan for a longer stay. For that you'll need info on more permanent accommodations – and someone has already been there, so check out How to Make a Cave to Live In.
Once you have a cozy hidey-hole, you'll need to get around and do errands without attracting attention. For that, there's How to Become a Master of Stealth and Hiding, which is handy when your camping permit expires.
Tired of centipedes and worms? How about some help getting tastier calories in the form of How to Steal Cheese and Not Get Caught. But what if you're allergic to dairy products? Well, in that case, refer to How to Eat a Pony.
And if you find yourself out after dark, be sure you know how to handle it by memorizing How to Defend Yourself Against a Velociraptor. (Word to the wise – memorize it before you need it.)
Once home again in your snug cave, you might find that you have an unexpected house guest. (We all do from time to time.) So be prepared by knowing How to Live With a Raccoon Under Your Bed. And if that strange, high-pitched sound keeps you both awake, then educate yourself on How to Silence a Potato.
After several months of wandering around, eating worms and stinking, you may accidentally find your way back home. (To your real home.) If so, you'll want to fit in again, which might be hard if you've forgotten what it was like, so try this one – How to Appear to Be Human.
And of course, once home again, after a nice bath, and before going out, be sure to refresh yourself on How to Recognize a Pair of Pants.
- How to Wear a Plaid Shirt Without Looking Like a Lumberjack
- How to Stink
- How to Eat Food in the Best Way
- How to Blink and Breathe
- How to Get Dressed
- How to Lead a Horse to Water
- How to Have Fun With Fleas
- How to Kill a Snake With a Samurai Sword
- How to Stop Bears
- How to Prepare a Hamster
- How to Say Boo to a Goose
- How to Eat a Shoe
- How to Catch a Tree Squirrel
- How to Tie Your Shoes With Chopsticks
- How to Bite Your Toenails
- How to Drink Coffee
- How to Pee when You Have to Go
Image based on the work of Estrilda (Anastasia Kalenkovich).