Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Fung Your Way Into Spring, Part 2

Intro on how to maintain an even campsite strain.

Now that you've got your chi stuff in order for sleeping and basic survival (Fung Your Way Into Spring, Part 1 ), you're ready for some advanced techniques.

No, you can't, yet. You have to stay with us. Fung Shway is not a game and you can't start when you're only half ready. You must continue once you've started or suffer the (sometimes severe) consequences for wimping out. The Heavenly Chi Beings (sometimes affectionately referred to as the High ChiBees, or HeeBeeChiBees) get pissed at mere mortals who think they can dip into Fung Shway, skim the cream for personal gain, and not pay their dues.

As Ed "Big Daddy" Ng, of the Fung Speakers Service Bureau and Real Estate, International, Inc., says "There are ten fundamental campsite aspects that must be attended to. Screw up and the HeeBeeChiBees may decide to whup yo ass." So, with that in mind, let's see what we can do to prevent unfortunate events.

1. Clear away nubbins. This is easy. If you sleep on the ground, you already know how. Little pine cones, annoying twigs, small stones, stray demons and nippy evil spirits — just respectfully remove all of them, but first sketch up a simple map so you can put each one back exactly where it was. (Important!) Nubbin-tidying ensures good sleep, which is important, as you will swear so much less if rested, and you don't want to. The Heavenly Chi Beings get pissed if ordinary mortals curse on their turf.

2. Go green. Healthy vegetation means good chi. Healthy vegetation is green. Therefore, think green chi. If camping in a desert or on snow, simply bring along a few plastic plants, or hang a green bandanna on a bush. You'll probably be OK. Active wildlife is a good sign too. Anything works — birds, squirrels, fish, bears, mountain lions, rattlesnakes — whatever walks through camp is good, and then you don't have to set out any stupid fake bushes. Just spray paint the critters as they pass by.

3. Mind your water. The ideal campsite is on or near water. Oceans, rivers, lakes, ponds, waterfalls — they all work, but you may have problems at first with actually sleeping on water, let alone pitching your tent there. This does take practice, and requires good breath-holding skills, but you'll need these skills eventually, so start now. Bring a wetsuit and a fresh tank of pure air until you gain confidence.

4. Choose neighbors with care. If these are wild animals, you'll be OK as long as they aren't hungry, but with humans you can never be sure. Since it's now legal to pack a gun in national parks, do that. The ancient Fung Masters did use swords, bows, and bamboo whack-staffs when necessary, but none of these has the range or stopping power required in modern times. You can't go wrong with that old standby, a Browning Model 1911 plus a good supply of .45 ACP ammo. Retrieve all your spent cartridge casings to please the chi's tidiness requirements.

5. Apply the smell test. Right after your initial nubbin-hunt, get down on your hands and knees and give the place a good sniffing. Cover every square inch of your campsite. What you're doing is locating pockets of negative chi. When you find some, stick a small flag there and keep moving. Negative chi, N-Chi, or enchi, can be anything left behind, like trash, rotten food, or turds. Collect all such items and mail them to their rightful owners at the end of your stay. This gets you huge bonus points, though your gag reflexes may require re-training.

Next time, more Fungie Goodness. Tune in two weeks from now for our dramatic conclusion.