Trail Shung And Fwei Too

Trail Shung, And Fwei Too.

By Pat

As you know if you are attuned to Shung Fwei, this is the Year of the Flaming Weasel. What does this mean for prosperous and harmonious backpacking? If anything?

Well, I am here to tell you, being a Certified Practitioner of the Ancient Art of Shung Fwei, holder of a Third-Degree Purple Belt (with tassels), and what I say is "Kung Hei Fat Boy! May you have blister free walking now!"

Armed with my frequently-updated analysis of what the Heavenly Energies have in store for us, and having been recently moved out of a very successful marketing career with assistant duties in purse sales, I think I can say I know what you need as a backpacker. In fact, it is so obvious that anyone should be able to tell, just by a glance in your general direction, or a quick throw of the sticks.

For example, focusing on individual animal signs, with one eye on what the Flaming Weasel is up to these days, it is clear that the next 12 months will be good for those born under the signs of the Chipmunk, Manatee, Sidehill Gouger, Hoedad, Chub-Chub, or Moo-Cow. I mean, obvious, right? Everyone knows that.

On the other hand, if you are a Rabbit, Sheep, Monkey, Ox, Doofus, Dik-Dik, or Dildo, then you may well see some challenging times coming your way. But again, how surprising should that be?

Your Shung Fwei Chart fully illustrates each detail of this and should have alerted you by now. If you don't have a personalized Shung Fwei Chart yet, just drop by, OK? We will soon get you beyond any seductive negativity, into a curing regime of self-enhancement, by preparing a Chart. I also offer family discounts, so stop by soon.

Of the five elements (Water, Wood, Fire, Earth, and Metal), we need to decide which is most relevant in the area of backpacks and backpacking. Note that there is no Nylon Ripstop Element, no Spectra or Dyneema, no Cordura, not even a hint of Ballistic Cloth or even a Canvas Element to be found anywhere in the above list.

Do not be dismayed.

At first you may feel distressed, but this is why you need a Certified Practitioner of the Ancient Art of Shung Fwei, for whom everything impossibly confusing is actually trivial. The Elements have come to us from ancient times, when there was not even the dream of Silnylon, let alone Cuben Fiber, but the fundamental principles still do apply. These principles tell us that what your backpack is made of (or even its size, weight, and style) is truly much less important than its color.

For example, Brown is friendly, rich, and grounded, like dirt, or poop (which belongs on the ground), right?

Blue may be the color of water and peace, but it is also the color of adventure and exploration.

Green of course represents life, growing energy, and a mellow, organic high.

And let's not forget Gray. Gray is the color of security, reliability, and durability. Durability is important in a backpack, don't you think? I do, sometimes.

You may surmise that if you weld together a backpack from thick Metal plates, then it will be durable, but not if it is Pink. Pink is the color of love, baby girls, feminine allure, and slumber parties, not backpacks. Pink will defeat all backpacking attempts unless you are a genuinely girly girl. Is this you?

Likewise, White.

White represents marriage, peace, union, and translucent draperies.

So White is then a timely but sad reminder if you are in sore need of new draperies, or have just seen your marriage crash and burn. Your seemingly invincible White welded Metal pack would then feel depressingly heavy and would not serve your needs well at all. It would only bum you out.

Or say your pack was Silver. Well, trustworthiness is not bad, and that is a quality of the Silver color, but do you need romance, glamor, a high tech feel, or a dreamlike experience on the trail? Probably not, especially if you are watching out for snakes.

We Certified Practitioners of the Ancient Art of Shung Fwei are aware of these subtleties and can be of great service for an actually nominal fee, if averaged out over your hiking lifetime, may it be long, as it will be if you keep your monthly payments up to date.

Recently in a relaxing, pre-event dinner attended by many other energetic Practitioners, Yours Truly enjoyed the company of similarly Highly Accomplished Individuals who also straddle the worlds of Shung Fwei and backpacking, just as Myself does. This should be a hint. After dinner was the event, an exposition on the Primary Element for the Year of the Flaming Weasel.

That Element is Metal.

Back to Metal we go! Could you guess?

How surprising is that? Not!

Of all the five elements, Metal is by far the most important this year because the Flaming Weasel is both a natural force and a dangerous one, as you know if one has ever run through camp and into your tent.

The Flaming Weasel's most serious characteristics (the flames, of course, but also its teeth and claws) are inflicted on the Earth element, so necessary to support your backpacking, but they are also significant hazards to the Wood element, not to mention your tent, no matter how precisely it is aligned with the Force. And then there is the skin of your face and arms to think about.

A good way to ensure protection against such afflictions this year is first, as noted, to choose a pack of the proper color. The proper color serves to deflect weasels of all kinds, not just the flaming ones, and does not even require batteries to work. This should be a strong hint right there.

Beyond color, ensure the proper balance of Elements. For your pack, and luckily for you, only one is needed: Metal.

But it does not have to be Heavy Metal, or even Middle Metal, though for maximum self-defense purposes a bar of solid iron is always handy to carry, such as a two foot length of re-bar. But for a pack, no, do this instead: Guarantee that your pack contains sufficient quantities of Metal in a Propitious Surrounding Configuration, and this does not need to be heavy at all.

Vain hikers often try using jewelry or decorative chains strung here and there, but jewelry is ineffective on most trails, not being specifically designed for backpacking, and looks cheap as well, and may clash with your outfit.

It is much better to lightly coat your new pack with an all-organic adhesive and then sprinkle liberally with pure powered aluminum. Or to save money, use boob glitter.

Both of these deflect sunlight, in effect symbolically protecting you from both the Heat of the Sun, and the Hairy Eye of the Flaming Weasel. Because of my divinations deep into the Shung Fwei Esotery (nothing of which I am allowed to share here, so sorry), I have determined that actual Metal is not in fact even necessary as long as the appearance of Metal is maintained.

Thus the suggestion about boob glitter, which is not, as is often thought, even Metal, though it appears so, which is good enough. And it is much less costly. Besides, who even knows what they're putting into aluminum these days anyway?

As in so many aspects of life, appearances are all that really matter, which gets us right back to color, so you may be beginning to get a feel for circular reasoning, the very foundation of Shung Fwei, and why we Certified Practitioners of the Ancient Art of Shung Fwei need to charge what we do.

So, this is all to the good but Metal is only one third of the story. The other two parts are, as in most endeavors, entirely Luck.

Luck comes in two flavors, Heavenly Luck and Mankind Luck.

Heavenly Luck is often the only thing you have to save the place where your tail resides, when you otherwise have no hope at all, so try to stay on the good side of Heaven if you value your tail, and the place it grows from.

Unlike Heavenly Luck though, Mankind Luck comes to individuals who work hard at enhancing their true Fwei-Nature, by constant practice, by doing good deeds, by hard work, by learning and using proper food hanging techniques, and by paying consulting fees on time to their Certified Practitioners of the Ancient Art of Shung Fwei.

Slight cheating is also acceptable in certain circumstances, but never with regard to the invoice.

Beyond all that, get a decent pack from an established company, keep it clean and in good repair, and as always, try before you buy. Keep your receipt.

Other services I provide include in-home or online consultations, corporate seminars, laying on of hands, Shung Fwei slumber parties, gift certificates, marital, investment, and fashion advice, real estate sales, and upbeat, tear-free no-cry funerals.

To receive a free Shung Fwei Tips Brochure, just think good thoughts. Need a website designed? I do that too. Also house-sitting and dog walking, day or night. Just whistle. (Two long and one short. I'll come running.)

 

One of the stories from Bag on your back.

 

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Me? Trying to get this geomancy thing working.

Fung Shway

Feng Shui

Literally, "Wind and Water" (but pronounced "fung shway", because Chinese). The Chinese art of arranging spaces and elements in an area to create harmonious energy flows and patterns, tempering or enhancing the energy where necessary. Yup, sounds about right.

Fung Shway

The ancient art of flinging bullsnit at the wall, but with a fancy, kinky new name. In case you don't believe it then wallow in these quotes from the back cover of "Feng Shui For Dummies"...

(a) "If you've ever wanted to know anything about Feng Shui, this IS the book to read." — Deborah Rachel Kagan, President, Sacred Interiors.

(b) "David Kennedy has certainly come up with a gem with Feng Shui for Dummies. I highly recommend this read." — James Moser, CEO, Feng Shui Warehouse.

(c) "David has a unique way of organizing the incredible amounts of Feng Shui information into clear, concise, easy to understand principles..." — Ileen Nelson, Director of the Feng Shui Studies Department, The Metropolitan Institute of Interior Design. Available at all fine bookstores. (Look for the sign of the giant bull.)

But back to the F.

As it relates to backpacking, Fung Shway is the esoteric process of breaking down and folding up your backpacking stove and fitting it into a space smaller than the individual parts require. Also called trail shway or stove shway. Spellings vary. It is similar to but distinct from Ray-Way, which, however, is a whole nother and much pricklier universe to explore.

Is also, Fung Shway is, the process of setting up your stove and cook set in such a way as to take the best advantage of the terrain, temperature, humidity, wind speed and direction, and other features such as natural wind breaks and how the spirits are feeling right then. In this application, it is frequently known as cook shway or pot shway. But if pot shway too much, pot tip over, spilling noodles, and supper become ruin. Most unfortunate then.

 

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Me? Brushing up on my noodle sucking, in case.

FTK

"'Fastest Known Time', sounds impressive. Didn't know that time could actually go fast", said Eddy Tredsucker, famous trail personality, who has gone ever so far in his day, in practically no time at all. "But I did it," he adds. Check.

In case you care. Some don't. Most don't. And the rest don't know what it is. Usually it's called "FTK", and signifies a speed record.

But as the great Yossarian said, "the idea of pennants as prizes was absurd. No money went with them, no class privileges. Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"

In this case it's faster.

For some, that is important. For others, it's delusion. Especially for backpackers. But then again, a lot of them eat it up because backpacking, the least glamorous sport, is still, when you get right down to it, a bunch of walking. Yesterday. Today again. And then more tomorrow. Often not even a little fun. And after a while the monotony gets to be a whole lot more than just a loud annoying hum. Gigantically more, and if you know about this "FTK" stuff, at least you can pretend that it has some importance, some significance. That you are a part of something, even if it is entirely and completely pointless.

But no one knows what backpacking is, mostly. No, not really. Only backpackers. Some backpackers.

If you start talking about backpacking, then if anything, anyone within earshot who might possibly maybe have heard of "backpacking" once upon a midnight dreary will think that you are a 22-year-old derelict, college student (or both), who is mindlessly traveling the world, sleeping in bug-infested hotels stinking of stale urine, lustily gobbling any and all drugs, collecting infections, covered in scabs, and endlessly scratching. And maybe that is you.

Only backpackers though, only backpackers know that backpacking is really about sleeping in the dirt, trudging mud, shivering though rain and cold, feeding your blood to swarming mosquitoes and flies, eating vile food (if any), stinking, doing more stinking, and endless scratching. See the difference? Maybe.

Some, in addition, knowing full well what backpacking is, having done some, even a lot, and knowing full well what the challenges are even if they themselves have not whacked the wasp's nest that record setting is, think of "FTK" as "Frothy Knackered Twits". And who is to say that they are wrong? Who? Eh?

Take Hester "Anguish" Anderlass, who established an FTK on the Amazing National Scenic Trail (AZT) in 2016. Desert sunshine. Spiders. Some rain. Well-marked trail. Stunning views. Easy walking. Dust. Difficult trail. Ups and downs. Eyes in the grass. Strange noises. Odd encounters. Cow shit water. A Norwegian. Deer, skunks. Grasslands. Cool. Hot. No. Yes. Realizing that one day she would die. Days up to 50 miles long.

Then blinking a few times and wondering what had just happened.

Typical. Pretty typical backpacking, except for the 50-mile-days, and the excessively blurred memories due to the speed effects and all.

Miles — you want to do them, have to do them, can never stop or even slow down, in pursuit of doing nothing at all better than everyone else, except quicker, and you've just about got it.

She also gave a FREDx talk about it. I didn't go. Fred neither. We were thinking about Rees, Howard, and Jim and how they finished the Pacific Crest Trail in 35 years. New record. Try beating that one.

"Breaking the PCT Speed Record", by Rees Hughes
From "The Pacific Crest Trailside Reader"

 

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Me? Still pointless.

There Are No Stupid Questions

Only a lot of inquisitive idiots.

Q: I want to hike the Pacific Crest Trail from Mexico to Canada — can I take a taxi on the days I don't feel like walking?

A: Sure, but backcountry taxis are all coin-operated, so bring lots of quarters — maybe a 15-pound bag to start with. You don't want to be stranded in Las Vegas without a ride, or money to play the slot machines.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes?

A: If you go in a clockwise direction. (This is important.) Unless you are very experienced, then going the other way could make you dizzy, which might attract unwelcome attention from rangers, and you stand a good chance of getting cited for being "under the influence". Also, keep your pants on. Even if you aren't showing any signs of dizziness, but are running around in the bushes without pants, this may trigger a "red flag alert", during which television crews are called in, so make sure your hair is combed.

Q: So it's true what they say about backpackers?

A: Some of it, but it's hard to say which parts those might be.

Q: Are there any ATMs along the trails?

A: The ATM, or "asynchronous terror moment" may occur at any time or location, regardless of what you might be doing, hence the "asynchronous" part. Say, for example, that you are awakened in the middle of the night by a loud snap, followed by a crash, and then a deafening, wordless wail. Immediately you begin thinking that you should have spent a few moments calculating the smallest limb diameter on a douglas fir tree that could support a 350-pound (159 kg) black bear, because obviously one has just climbed up to your food bag and snapped off the limb you hung the bag from, bringing the food, the limb, and the bear back to earth, including enough injuries to instigate a blind fury incident. This is all normal, and you have been through it many times. What you don't expect next is having something heavy crash into your tent, fall on top of you (trapping you inside your mummy-shaped sleeping bag) and hearing it begin to swear with a pronounced Scottish accent, especially since you are backpacking (and camped) alone. As a side note, the ATM is also an international scientific measure of fear equivalent to about 146.959488 pounds per square inch (1,013,249.958604 pascals) of lung pressure produced during the average panicked scream. And, needless to say, when you finally do emerge from your tent to find out just exactly what is going on, everything is normal, and quiet, your food bag is still where you hung it, there is no one else in or near your camp site, but your tent is, of course, trashed.

Q: Which direction is North?

A: Whenever you go hiking or backpacking, there are certain essential things you should always carry. One of these is a map. Maps are handy because they show landmarks, topography, fast-food joints, and car washes. But that isn't all. By convention the top side of a map is defined as north, so, if you are ever confused about the finer points of compass directions, simply turn your map right side up, and peek over its top edge. You will be looking due north, and if you walk in that direction, then after some time you will return to exactly the same point that you started from, so you can't get lost either. These features have been a standard part of all maps since at least the days of ancient Greece, when Homer of Simpson laid down his 17 Cartographic Principles in 384 BCE, following a collision of two ox-drawn vehicles whose drivers became confused over the right-of-way at an intersection of six rural pathways in the southern Peloponnese. If the Greeks could figure it out, then you can too.

Q: Can I bring my monkey? I'm getting a marmoset monkey soon and was wondering if I can bring it backpacking. Any thoughts?

A: Like most things, context is important. If you plan to be hiking the Appalachian Trail, and you have a small pack that the monkey can carry, probably no one will notice. You find all kinds of people on this trail. Typically, men let their hair and beards grow, while women shave their heads. Some even hike naked, so a furry monkey carrying a pack is likely to be mistaken for a family member, possibly your son or father. If, however, your monkey is quick to anger, and delights in flinging feces at strangers during one of its hissy fits, then it may be best to bone up on your mediation skills before hitting the trail for the summer. And don't forget to carry a supply of moist antiseptic wipes — they can be really handy for rapidly defusing cleanup situations. And one more thing..."monkey butt". Monkey butt is a highly contagious disease afflicting, as you might guess, monkeys. And those who love them. If you find yourself troubled by soreness, itching, and redness that occurs "back there", or in some cases "down there" as well (especially if you are really tight with your monkey), and if the discomfort causes you to walk bowlegged like said monkey, then you may indeed have monkey butt. But if you are a backpacker you probably have these symptoms even if you hardly ever get within feces-hurling range of even one monkey. It's par for the course, as they say, along with having your own personal cloud of flies. So you might as well bring that monkey, because it can't really make things much worse.

Q: My mama did not raise her boy to sleep in no damn dirt with bugs and creepies crawling all over him. What's wrong with you people anyway, to want to go and do something like that?

A: Swift as wind. Quiet as the forest. Steady as a mountain. Conquering like fire. Able to inhale banquets. Impervious to bugs. Laughing at monkey butt. We are hikers.

Q: Do you eat stuff?

A: No. The Backpacker Code prevents the ingestion of any food for the duration of a hike. This is why most packs are so big. You might think that backpacker's packs are loaded with food, and that's why they are ginormous, but since backpackers are not allowed to eat (not only by sworn oath, but by law in most places), they need something to do while on the trail, so they bring lots of toys. Toy trucks, life-size dolls, board games, playing cards, musical instruments, firearms, medical implements, textbooks, knitting tools, you name it — anything that might relieve the boredom and take a person's mind off food gets tossed into a pack. Food porn too. Lots of that. If you pay attention at any trailside campground, you'll notice that many backpackers (especially thru-hikers who may be on the trail for months at a time) tend to retire early. You'll see them discreetly slip into their tents one at a time until the place seems deserted, but eventually you may hear the gentle rustling of a food magazine's pages being turned one after another, plus some heavy breathing. No matter how curious you might become about exactly what is going on in there, it is considered extremely rude (and may be dangerous) to disturb one of these people in the midst of their private activities. Best to observe only from a distance, or to go elsewhere and leave well enough alone.

Q: What happens if you see an animal?

A: Like all of nature, animals were placed here for our use and enjoyment. Anyone familiar with backcountry ways is also familiar with animals, and knows how to put them to good use. Take moose, for example. Moose are common everywhere, even in the very centers of cities, though most people are not aware of this. The reason is that, despite what you may have heard about the moose's aggressive nature, the creature is actually extremely secretive and shy, and able to blend into its surroundings by changing the color of its pelt at a moment's notice, and a moose, even a large one, can simply vanish from view without even moving. There is an excellent chance that you have walked right past moose all your life without even noticing them. But if you do notice a moose, be sure not to make any comments about its appearance. They are muscular but sensitive and insecure animals, and their feelings are easily bruised. The most common reaction of a moose teased about the size or shape of its nose or ears, for example, is to charge and gore its tormentor, or trample him to death, only to regret the action after it is too late to do anything about it. This is where all the nonsense about aggressiveness comes from. It's really only self-defense. A much better course of action if you do see a moose is to coo softly and talk about how inspiring it is to finally encounter a real moose and recognize it for what it is — the largest and most magnificent species of deer on earth. This is sure to get you on the moose's Christmas list, or better yet, may get you a ride on its back, as happened to Theodore Roosevelt, a man who was, you may recall, once President. It doesn't get any better than that, except for snake juggling, but you have to join a church to do that.

 

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Me? Me too.

Definitions: Woods

(1) Plural of wood, which is a hard, fibrous substance found inside trees, and is not good to eat. Why anyone ever looked inside a tree for food is unknown.

(2) More than one wood, in the sense of many, as in many trees gathered together for weddings, funerals, or to plan attacks on nearby villages, after which they customarily feast on the dead.

(3) A small forest, usually no taller than ankle-height, especially if you are very tall.

(4) Weald, wold, woodland, timberland, copse, woodlot, etc. I.e., only stuff that creepy boring old guys would find interesting, even a little.

(5) Natural habitat of the bushwhacker, a rarely seen biped having a thick neck and powerful arms that it uses to tussle with and whack shrubbery, its natural enemy. Often travels armed.

The bushwacker is sometimes referred to as the "neck of the woods", because of its identifying feature, though its monobrow is also pronounced, as is its attraction to neckties hand-painted with pictures of fish or many-antlered animals.

The bushwhacker is frequently mistaken for sasquatch (bigfoot), or the orangutan (hairy wild man of the woods), but these latter two are exclusively quiet deep-forest creatures who spend their days obsessively picking lint from mosses and lichens, while the bushwacker is not at all indisposed to cavorting in glades and napping in warm sunny spots when fatigue overtakes it, when not shooting at random things.

The orangutan is also confined to the tropics, while the sasquatch, of more temperate zones, is easily recognized by its haggard, careworn appearance due to an inability to successfully negotiate a satisfactory contract with any of the reality television companies.

However, all three of these creatures should be regarded as dangerous because of their wild, savage, and untamed natures, which keep them forever reckless and ungovernable, liable at any moment to tear at things with their great, sturdy teeth. Approach with caution, or not at all. And it is advisable to never, ever point at any of them while snickering.

 

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Me? Still trying to get the splinters out of my teeth.

How To Stay Alive In The Woods.

 

Ten tips from the experts.

 

1. Don't panic unless you are chilled.

Why waste your breath running around? Exercise sucks anyway. Unless you are chilled that is. Then, if you are chilled, really chilled, it is OK to run around.

Or instead you can dance. Ever thought of that?

Dance to the funky beat of your racing heart. No one is there to laugh at you, so why not? You're lost, remember? Practice until you are an expert, then moon walk your way home and attain fame and glory. This is your time to shine, my friend!

If you can't dance without lyrics, then memorize this simple upbeat song before your next trip:

When in trouble!
When in doubt!
Run in circles!
Scream and shout!

 

2. Stand still and look around carefully.

Obvious but often missed, and less like exercise than dancing, so it could be even more fun.

Look, and if you see someone you know, you are not lost, they are! At worst you have found a source of spare clothes and protein, maybe some pocket change. Meanwhile there's someone to talk to.

 

3. Stay in one place.

If you move you will lose your place in the rescue queue and have to start over. A real pisser if you are hungry, so stay put. No one likes a loser. Try humming, or swearing vengeance at God or whatever. Shaking your fist at the sky works sometimes. Thunderbolts aimed at you will at least show you which way is up.

 

4. Signal your location.

First, it helps to know where you are, but if you knew that you wouldn't have to signal that you are lost, so try signaling then. Signaling is always a terrific Plan B and will look good on your resume.

Start small, with hand gestures. If there is direct sunlight and a smooth surface nearby, make shadow puppets. Shadow puppets attract children, whose parents are sure to be near. Find a parent with a large car, and hide in it. When home again, pretend you fell asleep in the back and offer a few bucks for gas. Cash-strapped parents always appreciate a little help.

 

5. Start scouting your area.

This is a long shot if you flunked scouting the first time, but you are getting desperate by now, so give it a try. Scouting was invented to keep not-so-bright boys out of trouble so it is perfect for you because:

(1) No thinking, no headaches, and;

(2) If it works you are automatically out of trouble, and

(3) Bonus here, you will probably look good in one of those crisp and cute little uniforms, with the scarf and all. Maybe!

 

6. Find or create shelter.

A cave is great but may be occupied already.

Get a long stick and poke around in the cave until you hear a loud growl. Then try the next cave over. They can't all be full of bears!

If you find a cave full of bats instead, then make fur clothes from their hides, and a fur-lined sleeping bag too, and you'll be comfy. Little-known fact — bat fur is the warmest there is, though it takes lots of stitching, so here's hoping you're up to date on your sewing skills!

If you find a cave occupied by homeless people, promise to send help if they'll give you some food. They always fall for this.

 

7. Find a good source of water.

This can be a tough one, since in the woods there are no brand names, and even bottles are scarce. But keep looking. You'll find one eventually.

When you do, fill it from the nearest stream and you're all set. If it's not your favorite brand, so what? Find another bottle and change brands. So simple.

When there are no streams around, try lapping dew from butterfly wings.

 

8. Purify your water.

There is no water purer than the tears of angels, but butterfly dew is a damn close second, so no sweat.

 

9. Build a fire.

And if you can't build one from scratch, steal one. No one counts coals any more. Act nonchalant, like you're just wandering by. A smile and a nod are often enough to distract.

After you have grabbed your coals, look for wood. Trees are a good bet. Try there.

When you have a mound of wood as high as a man and as wide as the sky, go back to that first cave with the bear in it. Pile the wood in front of it, blocking the entrance. To help things along, sprinkle a little gasoline on top and wait. It can take a while, so now is a great time to practice your dance moves. Pretend the howling is a punk band, and you are on stage in the warm, warm spotlight.

When the flames abate, guess what? Roast bear!

 

10. Find safe food.

Most healthy adults can survive up to three weeks without food but why bother? You have a whole bear! Remove the head, legs, and wings and eat the rest. You deserve it, and it will keep you strong and make you smell good.

But is it safe, you ask. Of course! You just cooked it!

When satiated, rub any leftover fat into your hair and over all your skin, to prevent chapping and to repel mosquitoes. If you've gotten tired of your bat outfit, make a fresh one using the bear hide, which is now nicely de-furred.

After you've had enough of this, return to the campground, get in your car, and drive home.

 

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See if that helps.
Me? Exploring exercise as a spectator sport.

Recipe For Disaster

Just add birds.

Sunday, 6:45 p.m.: Bob, Elli, and the kids fold up their tent and pack their camping gear back into the car for the trip home. A small bag of biscuit mix goes missing, but it's overlooked and the family leaves without it.

Monday, 5:37 a.m.: Daylight begins to break. The sound of snoring resounds from most tents. Meanwhile, the formerly missing bag of biscuit mix has been found by two magpies who are dragging it around, creating complex, almost geometric patterns as they tussle with the leaking package.

Monday, 6:27 a.m.: A woman named Christina, visiting the campground for her morning jog, sees two magpies making a mess. They seem to be scattering biscuit mix from a bag all over the parking area. She chases the birds off, deposits the nearly-empty bag into a trash can, and heads out on her run.

Monday, 8:42 a.m.: Josh Finkle, a local policeman on vacation with his family, sleepily emerges from his tent and begins crossing the parking area, headed for the toilet, then freezes. Something is wrong. Very wrong. There is a suspicious white powder scattered widely, in an odd pattern resembling a giant, warped pentagram. The hair on his neck bristles. He calls his office and reports what he has found.

Monday, 9:17 a.m.: Finished with her relaxing morning run, Christina gets into her car and drives home for breakfast. Shortly after leaving, from across the lake, she sees two fire trucks, three police cars, and several large vans entering the campground, with all lights flashing.

Monday, 9:24 a.m.: Twelve police officers, a SWAT team, 14 firefighters, and a hazmat team lock down the campground. All campers are rousted from their tents, the showers, the toilets, and isolated inside a temporary fence erected in the playground. Armed officers in respirators guard them to make sure that no terrorists escape.

Monday, 8:51 p.m.: Preliminary analysis carried out on-site by the hazmat team indicates that the white powder found at the campground is a complex mixture of biologically-active materials, including complex proteins, starches, sugars, and many other unidentified substances. In addition, a scrap of paper is found. It bears the single word "Snickerdoodle", along with what appears to be a coded set of instructions written in German. The authorities immediately suspect a resurgence of the Baader-Meinhof "Rote Armee Fraktion", thought to have been defunct since 1993.

Tuesday, 2:17 a.m.: Several black helicopters descend from the sky, absorb all campers and staff, including the part-time janitor, Bob, despite his claims that he was only there to clean the toilets, and vanish into the overhead darkness. By the next day everyone is safely in isolation cells inside several undisclosed democracy friendly countries, except for recurring rounds of enhanced interrogation. Surprisingly, none of the terrorists confesses to the plot, or even admits that there is one, which causes the interrogation to escalate to super-double-plus enhancification.

Thursday, 6:02 a.m.: Christina, returning to the campground for another morning jog, discovers that it is no longer there. Not only that, but there is no longer a road leading to the campground. Puzzled, she pulls her car over and looks around. Nothing. Just the forest and a huge pile of brush covering what used to be the turnoff. Above and to her right, high in a tree, she sees two magpies. They almost seem to be laughing about something.

Schneckennudeln (Snickerdoodle) Terrorist Campground Cookies

Ingredients:

• butter: 1 cup
• sugar: 1.5 cups
• eggs: 2
• flour: 2.75 cups
• cream of tartar: 2 teaspoons
• baking soda: 1 teaspoon
• salt: 0.25 teaspoon

Topping:

• sugar: 1 cup
• ground cinnamon: 1 tablespoon

Process:

• Mix wet ingredients.
• Stir in dry ingredients.
• Chill, form into balls, then roll in cinnamon and sugar dust.
• Bake: 8-10 minutes on greased cookie sheet at 400°F.

More: 2 crows plus a bag of flour equals a hazmat scene.

 

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Me? Headed out for cookies and milk.

What Now? Meat training for winter strength!

 

As everyone knows, backpacking season ends all too soon, and so begins another winter, the season of our discontent.

The sky grays, leaves fall, and the cold hand of winter advances toward our throats.

This is the off-season, the doorway to months of inaction. Though some make up for the lack of trail tromping by skiing or snowshoeing, it is not the same as actual, real, true backpacking.

Muscle tone fades, and joints lose their hard-won toughness. Bellies soften and enlarge.

What to do?

Well, how about strength training?

With very simple equipment you can make at home, it's easy to overcome winter's assault on your strength. If this sounds interesting, then here's how:

Prepare your equipment.

Ingredients:

• 1 sheep stomach, liver, heart, and tongue
• 1/2 pound minced suet (227 g)
• 3 medium onions, minced
• 1/2 pound dry oats, toasted (227 g)
• 1 teaspoon salt (5 ml)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper (2.5 ml)
• 1 teaspoon dried ground herbs (5 ml)

After soaking the sheep stomach overnight in salted water, boil the other sheep parts and mince them.

In a bowl, mix in the other ingredients, stuff the stomach with the mix, and tie it off.

If you are a cautious sort, puncture the stomach with a fork. This will prevent an explosion during cooking.

Place the stuffed stomach into a pot and boil for three hours, then remove it and allow it to cool and air dry.

Now you have a solid, thoroughly cooked, dry, and pleasantly rubbery Exercise Haggis, or Exer-Haggis as the strength training professionals call it.

Face it, you can walk all year, even if it's not really hiking. Your greatest problem in the off-season is loss of upper-body strength. Exer-Haggis is ideal for combating this.

Upward sausage press.

If you've properly prepared your Exer-Haggis, it should be as long as your arm, which makes it easy to hold.

Lie flat and face-up. Use a bench or the floor. Either works.

Start with your Exer-Haggis resting lightly on your forehead.

At this point some dripping can show up if you chose the puncturing option, but keeping an Exer-Haggis refrigerated a few days before use ought to coagulate it and forestall problems.

Firmly but gently grasping your Exer-Haggis, push it upward until your arms are fully extended.

Then slowly lower the Exer-Haggis until it again rests on your forehead.

Repeat until exhausted. If possible, do not drool. (I know, hard not to!)

Horsie goes a-prancing.

Start on the floor, face-down, with your Exer-Haggis resting in the small of your back, like a small cowboy on a friendly horse. (You.)

Push against floor with the flats of your hands until your body is raised and your arms are extended.

Slowly lower yourself back to the floor without letting your Exer-Haggis buddy fall off. The larger and heavier your Exer-Haggis, the more exercise you get.

Repeat until you can't stand it any more.

Around-town carry.

Put on your coat, and, while carrying your Exer-Haggis comfortably in the crook of your arm, walk around town, frequently shifting it from one arm to the other.

Do your shopping, go out for coffee, or visit friends. It's all good exercise.

This, of course, will tire you, which is fine. That is the point. It means that you needed a workout, and got one.

An especially nice thing about having an Exer-Haggis with you is that it is naturally curved like a meat-filled travel pillow.

If tired, find any convenient chair and recline with the Exer-Haggis behind your neck. After a few minutes of comfy power-napping you will be fully recharged and ready to continue your carry.

What's next?

Sadly, no Exer-Haggis lasts forever. Yours will finally wear out, and begin leaking. If you are lucky, or if you planned ahead, you have a pet, or children, and they aren't fussy about what they eat, especially if you lock them in a room for a day or two.

Just slice up your worn out Exer-Haggis and dish it out. Before very long you'll have space in your fridge for a new one.

And since the Exer-Haggis is made from things other people never eat, it's really cheap to make. Go ahead, make two while you're at it!

No pets? No children? No problem!

Relax. Here's what you do.

Just toss each worn out Exer-Haggis into the freezer. By the the time the freezer is full, backpacking season has almost returned again. And that means it's time for some leg work.

Empty the freezer, and hitch all your used (and still solidly frozen) Exer-Haggis to a line tied around your waist.

Then start walking. All that weight dragging behind you will give your legs a stiff workout. You'll be way ahead of your friends on your first backpacking trip.

When your collection of Exer-Haggis thaws or you become tired of all the dragging, cut them loose and leave them for forest critters. They need to eat too, so it's OK. Bio-degradable and all.

And then?

If you really get into it there is always Haggis hurling. And no, this is not part of the dining experience.

You throw haggis.

Or, if that part is not for you, you can be an official such as a Hagrarian, Clerk of the Heather, Peater, Barrel Master, Haggis Hooter, or Distance Referee.

You might even be so enchanted after a season with your Exer-Haggis that you give up backpacking and begin hurling full time.

It can happen.

More:

Haggis Hurling, The Revival of a Traditional Scottish Sport
Glen Haggis
Lorne is haggis world record-breaker
Haggis gets a bashing from fakes
Address to a Haggis:

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his sturdy fist a blade,
He'll make it whistle;
And legs and arms, and heads will cut,
Like tops of thistle.
You Pow'rs, that make mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill of fare,
Old Scotland wants no watery ware
That slops in bowls:
But, if You wish her grateful prayer,
Give her a Haggis!

 

 

---

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Me? Wondering. Oh, OK — Haggis. It's what's for dinner.

Proper Clothing For Hiking Fung

Look good out there. Avoid evil spirits, etc.

 

According to the founding precepts of Fung Shway, there are five elements: wood, fire, earth, metal, and water. To create and maintain harmony according to the Ruling Fung Principles, these various elements must be properly employed.

But Backpacking Fung is a little different. Wood and fire you can understand — carefully place the wood into position, apply the fire element, and stand back. If the wood and the fire are comfortable with one another, and decide that you're OK too, you get to cook supper.

Likewise with water. Perform the proper ritual dance moves and you can cross just about any stream you find, without losing it.

Earth — OK, but metal? Kinda off to the edge, don't you think, for backpacking?

You got to realize that those traditional Five Elements are mostly a city tradition. Backpackers require a different focus because of their specific needs. Especially when it comes to clothing. So therefore we have our own slightly more expansive angle on Fung — the "Six Clothings".

These six clothing elements embody the principles that permeate backpacking. They deal with dirt, bugs, wind, rain, cold, and stink. Like so...

• Dirt: Black, when put next to food, may make it look less appealing, but it'll do the opposite for you, especially if you're feculant and therefore naturally attractive to the dirt principle. And after a few days on the trail we all are. So wear black. Black may dampen your inner chi, but we're talking about your outside here, and anything that hides signs of excess foulness is a good deal.
• Bugs: It's well-known that bugs can see things we can't, because each of them is born with a tiny evil eye, and that's how they find us. Happy clothing is your pal, especially anything covered in smiley faces. Bugs can't stand all the joy so they go bite the people behind you. (Always walk in front. Or bring a bug zapper. There's now an app for that.)
• Wind: Everyone knows about wind chimes. It's how you attract cooling breezes on a hot day and annoy the hell out of your neighbors. But what's the opposite? How to use Essential Fung Principles to make wind go bother someone else? By making anti-wind chimes out of chicken bones, and hanging them from your pack. True, it's not clothing, but when wind hears the telltale sound and comes looking for lunch, and finds only dry, picked-clean bones, it'll go away disappointed, and leave you the hell alone. Cozy. Cheap too. Still annoying.
• Rain: A tough one. The term "Fung Shway" literally means "sloppy wet", which makes you wonder how this stuff got to be so appealing to trendy new-age idiots, but backpackers are smart enough to know about rain, and most are willing to try anything. It is a fact that all major civilizations were built near water, but you don't want it running down your backside all day, do you? With that in mind, look for striped clothing. Vertical stripes resemble rain gutters and give a subtle hint to the rain that you wish it would go somewhere else. Might work. Who knows? Try it once.
• Cold: Easy to deal with. Just wear red clothes, preferably with the color side next to your skin. This always works, but you can think warm thoughts as well. If blisters develop then you overdid it. Peel off a layer. Think less. Just walk. (Grunting is still OK if is suits you.)
• Stink: There are very few ailments that can't be alleviated (or completely cured) by using the power of Fung and a bit of color. Hiker stink is one of them. Until you can actually bathe, try carrying a picture of Uncle Wu's All Organic Fung-Skrub™ pinned to your shirt and think clean thoughts. If you're past that stage, then wearing bio-hazard orange may at least keep others a safe distance away. (Especially good if they're carrying sticks.) As a last resort, blame it on the dog.

OK. Now you're good to go. Please go. Far.

 

---

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Me? Just thinking about this makes me fart with excitement.

Wubilya Pee Bee And Thee

Shedding simplified.

Yep. Marketing has done gone and won.

You ask anybody what to do when it rains, and they say "gortecks", like a bug got caught in their throat, or they start swearing or something, and you ain't smart enough to catch up.

But after a while you do. I thought that flying saucer robot guy, that it was about him, Gort, and his former wife Techx, maybe. But not.

Not Gort and his ex but Randolph William Gort or something and his fancy cloth stuff, which he invented, and what was patented by his son R.W., and usually referred to by the name "Gore-Tex". Which explains the gortecks sound. For Gort Texnology I guess.

Anyway it's all about miracles and not getting wet. I always thought Randolph William Gort was the newspaper guy behind that whole Rosebud thing but stand corrected. He was a man obsessed by jackets. And pants. Outdoor stuff. Rainwear.

This is about rainwear.

Rainwear and miracles. And the miracle is waterproof-while-breathable (WPB), as seen from the inside, where you are. Put this on and you can hike about forever, stay dry, and not sweat nor suffer from rotting pits.

However, there is problems in Pitsville nevertheless. Like the waterproof part is OK. And the rest is...spotty. You wear some Tex de Gore clothes and you find out the meaning of 3% breathable. Which leaves the other 97% in the not-so-much category. Compared to what, you wonder, which is the main question, and the answer is prolly naked.

However hiking naked tends toward the chilly. And is not so dry neither.

There have been those that considered alternatives. Which are the usual: ponchos or jackets built like plastic bags, 10-gauge double-rubber-coated stinkwear, umbrellas, other miracle Texes, like eVentLess, H2Nope, NoCip, and so on. Or like going with regular clothes and dying quite soon and miserable. Or going bare naked, which is even worse for all sorts of reasons.

Though now you wonder about bears. And deer. And even raccoons. All in hair shirts, and somehow they get by. No Gort. No Tex. No Tex-Mex. Nothing fancy. So there must be a thing there, something going on.

Which might be the clue.

Here's what you can try, and prolly save money too. I'd like to see it. All you need is a family-size bottle of Hair-B-Thick Pelt Stimulator™ pills. And maybe some Nikwax for the finish. And disposable razors for afterward, when you need to go in to the office again.

Hair-B-Thick Pelt Stimulator™

• Stimulates new growth, revives old growth.
• Promotes shinier, thicker, faster-growing hair and/or pelage.
• Works for women and men and so on.
• Effective for all pelt types.
• Doctor-formulated.
• Gluten-free.

Start with the pills a couple weeks before hiking season. After you get a nice even coat started (at least an inch, all over), brush it every night. And use a good quality pet wash. This will keep it glossy.

Then, the night before your trip, massage in a bottle of Nikwax, let 'er dry, and then rinse.

That should do for a week. And now you can hike naked too if you want. By this point no one can tell anyhow. And due to the fur, you won't need a heavy sleeping bag or extra clothes. While hiking, if you seem to be taking on water, give yourself a good dog shake and you ought to be fine.

Cons:

• Spooking other backpackers, but quite a few are naturally hairy so this is nothing new.
• Spooking day hikers (like we care).
• Unfortunate incidents during hunting season. (Be sure to dye yourself bright orange first.)
• Getting cited for excessive shedding.

Might be worth a try. You go first. Send pictures. Keep off the sofa.

 

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Me? Trying to figure out who sent me a gift bag of cockroaches.

Fung Your Way Into Spring, Part 3

Finishing up with Fung.

So far, we've covered the first five of the ten things you really want to know about before you dare set up camp. Knowledge of Fung Shway and chi-wrangling are important. They will keep your brain occupied and out of the way whenever you go camping.

So read on then, 'K?

6. Extend heavenward. This is also known as pitching a tent, or accomplishing erection. If you are not actually camping on top of those energy-releasing waters (preferred) but only near them (a distant second) at least face your tent toward water. If there is no water, advance two paces and urinate, but in buffalo country be prepared for thundering herds drawn to your salt. (Though after the first few tramplings you'll hardly even notice any more.)

7. Decorate. Wind chimes are great. Everybody loves wind chimes, and some of us need them, especially those with personality disorders. If your campground neighbors came in on Harleys, wind chimes will do them good, and eventually they will thank you. If not immediately, then certainly at some point during the subsequent murder trial. Be patient. Cooling your heels waiting for your next rebirth will give you lots of time to appreciate the clever wisdom of your deeds.

8. Illuminate. "We'll leave the light on for you" is more than an advertising slogan for a cheap-ass chain of dumpy motels — it's a recipe for remaining alive, assuming that you made it past the wind-chime phase. Not only leave the lights on, but set up a decent defense perimeter before retiring. At least. When things get dark, you can count on something creepy going on out there. You don't want that, and at times the High Chi needs a little help. A good 1.5 kw generator and a few flood lights are a good bet. And if you're going that far, why not throw up an electric fence too? The gentle clanging of your wind chimes will completely mask any putty-putt engine sounds and will put your neighbors at ease, as noted earlier. If not, you've got your sidearm. May the chi be with you.

9. Be a Mr/Ms TidyBowl. If there is one thing that chi hates, it's dust bunnies. Keep your campsite clean and uncluttered at all times. Bring a tape measure and lightweight carpenter's square (Now available in ultralight titanium!) for precision placement of all particulars. This will please the chi, which tends toward the anal at times. But hey. Also, shuffle all clutter to the inside of your tent. This includes excess shrubberies if your camp site is especially bushy, but do not uproot anything. Simply seduce your leafy friends in with treats and a gentle tone of voice. If you prove adept, you yourself may have to sleep outside, but the chi will probably look out for you. (Midnight nose pokes to the ear or anything biting into your face during the dark hours will of course indicate otherwise.)

10. Spiff up your chi before leaving. Sure, you can always leave a mess behind for someone else to deal with but it is much better to pick up after yourself. This creates positive chi for the next wave of campers. Pretend they deserve it.

The pros go for a ChiHome 2-in-1 Steam Vac with Microfiber Pads, but generally a simple trash bag and a number six goat-grooming comb will do. For especially tough situations you might need a portable, battery-powered chi straightener, but probably not. Take a practical approach. Simply replace any relocated shrubberies, sweep up errant shredded clothing and tattered food bags that evil spirits may have gotten into, collect loose detritus and used bandages, and then give the rest a quick once-over with your goat comb or chi straightener.

In case your campsite does need a more extensive cleaning, try this...

• First up, Discharge & Drain. This procedure removes residual static chi voltage buildup. (If you see sparks shooting out anywhere, then be sure not to skip this step.) D&D, as it's called, uses the pull of ectoplasmic gravity flommulation to fluff up and relax all that chi stuff — kind of like a cat shampoo, but tends to result in less residual scarring if you are lucky.
• Second, reconnect your yin to your yang, but mind your polarities and keep an eye open for short circuits. If you have trouble telling your yin from your yang, spring for one of Ed "Big Daddy" Ng's Pocket YinYang guides. They're worth it. When done correctly, this reconnection process points earth-energy upward, transforming it to sky-energy, or something like that. If you get it right. Otherwise you get knocked on your keister. Don't worry though — it's a stage we all have to go through, and gives you a good story to tell while you wait for the bandages to come off.
• Third then, pull any residual energy up and over your crown-point. (You might have to feel around for it, but you'll know it when you find it.) Then tug gently to move the energy down along the meridians in your chest. (If you can find any. Good luck with that. Meridians can be downright vague little buggers.) Anyway, the result is to remove internal blockages and free negative energy to move down to your Dan Tian (Euphemism or what?) for elimination and recycling. Dig a cat hole first or you'll be sorry. And again, watch out for sparks or sudden explosive events.

If all this sounds too complicated, it is, but it does give you a feeling that life, after all, does have a purpose, no matter how misguided that feeling is, and otherwise you'd have nothing to do but sit in the dirt and bang rocks together. So Fung away then.

 

Fung Your Way Into Spring, Part 1
Fung Your Way Into Spring, Part 2

 

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Me? Planning to investigate those mysterious slime trails you find all over. Pretty soon now.

Fung Your Way Into Spring, Part 2

Your handy intro on how to maintain an even campsite strain.

Now that you've got your elementary chi bits in order for sleeping and basic survival (Fung Your Way Into Spring, Part 1), you're ready for some advanced techniques.

No, wait — don't go running off just yet. You have to stay with us for a bit. Fung Shway is not a game and you can't start when you're only half ready. You must follow the full course or suffer the (sometimes severe) consequences for wimping out. The Heavenly Chi Beings (sometimes affectionately referred to as the High ChiBees, or HeeBeeChiBees) get pissed at mere mortals who think that they can dip into Fung Shway, skim the cream for personal gain, and not pay their dues.

As Ed "Big Daddy" Ng, of the Fung Speakers Service Bureau and House Flippers International, Inc., says "There are ten fundamental campsite aspects that must be attended to. Screw up and the HeeBeeChiBees may decide to whup yo ass." So, with that in mind, let's see what we can do to prevent unfortunate events.

1. Clear away nubbins. This is easy. If you sleep on the ground, you already know how. Little pine cones, annoying twigs, small stones, stray demons and nippy evil spirits — just respectfully remove all of them, but first sketch up a simple map so you can put each one back exactly where it was. (Important!) Nubbin-tidying ensures good sleep, which is important, as you will swear so much less in your sleep, and you need your rest too, you do. The Heavenly Chi Beings get pissed if ordinary mortals curse on their turf and wake up cranky.

2. Go green. Healthy vegetation means good chi. Healthy vegetation is green. Therefore, think green chi. If camping in a desert or on snow, simply bring along a few plastic plants, or hang a green bandanna on a bush. You'll probably be OK. Active wildlife is a good sign too. Anything works — birds, squirrels, fish, bears, mountain lions, rattlesnakes — whatever walks through camp is good, and then you don't have to set out any stupid fake bushes. Just spray paint the critters as they pass by.

3. Mind your water. The ideal campsite is on or near water. Oceans, rivers, lakes, ponds, waterfalls — they all work, but you may have problems at first with actually sleeping on water, let alone pitching your tent there. This does take practice, and requires good breath-holding skills, but you'll need these skills eventually, so start now. Bring a wetsuit and a fresh tank of pure air until you achieve the proper confidence level.

4. Choose neighbors with care. If these are wild animals, you'll be OK as long as they aren't hungry, but with humans you can never be sure. Since it's now legal to pack a gun in national parks, do that. The ancient Fung Masters did use swords, bows, and bamboo whack-staffs when necessary, but none of these has the range or stopping power required in modern times. You can't go wrong with that old standby, a Browning Model 1911 plus a good supply of .45 ACP ammo. Retrieve all your spent cartridge casings to please the chi's tidiness requirements.

5. Apply the smell test. Right after your initial nubbin-hunt, get down on your hands and knees and give your potential campsite a good sniffing. Cover every square inch. What you're doing is locating pockets of negative chi. When you find some, stick a small flag there and keep moving. Negative chi, N-Chi, or enchi, can be anything left behind, like trash, rotten food, or turds. Collect all such items and mail them to their rightful owners at the end of your stay. This gets you huge bonus points, sometimes called good karma, though your gag reflexes may require re-training.

Next time, more Fungie Goodness. Tune in for our dramatic conclusion.

 

Part 3

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Me? Right now, trying to defeat unwanted attention from overly-persistent flies.
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Fung Your Way Into Spring, Part 1

Campsite tips & techniques the Fung Shway way.

You may think that a good night's sleep is important, but what you may not know is that having a proper campsite is much more important.

Chi is king.

In the world of Camp Fung, chi is the Life-Force-Energy thingy that circulates through all things, even dirt, so it is imperative find the best campsite. It would seem like a good idea to pick a campsite with a rip-snorting great flood of roaring chi running around in circles, cackling and charging things up to the point that you can hardly take a step without shooting sparks from your fingertips.

Probably not, though. It's more complicated than that, and here's why...

Once you're out in the forest, or in the mountains, or even in the desert, what you find when you go to bed is that you want to sleep, right?

Correct.

This usually happens. It is normal.

In order to sleep then, you need to enter a state of suspended animation but still remain alive. To remain alive, you need a plentiful flow of good chi, but not too much. Like too-strong coffee, too much chi will overwhelm you and every living thing in the area, making all of you twitchy, and will keep you up half the night. The critters too. Only if you desire a stampede of elk thundering through camp around 1:37 a.m., bellowing like demons, is this a good thing, unless they aim for your tent, which can be unfortunate, so you may regret going whole-hog on that chi stuff.

Also, ignorant planners locate most campsites on level ground, ostensibly to facilitate the sleeping process. This is also not so good.

Chi prefers slopes, and goes stale when it collects in pockets down in those hollows where the flat spots are. Stale chi is damp and cold. It attracts biting insects and causes bad dreams and stinky feet, so it is best to go higher. Halfway up the nearest hill or mountain is about right. That is where you'll find freshest, crispest chi, and the greatest selection to boot.

Go too far though, and you get all sparky again, so halfway is about right.

Now, you may think to yourself Hey, steep. Never mind what the slope is like — this will be good for you. If you begin rolling, it is because you need more practice. We have classes that can help you with that.

While you sleep, try to keep your head pointing at your Lucky Charm Star. Every person's Lucky Charm Star is different, so you need to find yours and know where it is. If you are aligned properly and your head is pointing uphill, this is called the Puffy Foot Orientation, which will ensure cushy walking the next day, though it may also be awkward during some activities, like putting on shoes.

And if your head points downhill, you experience the effects of the Balloon Head Orientation. During the night this posture stores extra blood in your head, which is a good place to keep it — handy for emergencies because it's right there, waiting to jump into action, though it may also make distracting sounds as it sloshes during walking maneuvers.

If you share your tent with another, then the other person's Lucky Charm Star is likely different from yours, and sometimes the two Influences will fight. You could fall asleep quickly, only to be awakened later in the night because you are being pounded. It could be your tent-mate's fists, or, if you camped too close to the uncut chi, it might be that herd of elk trampling your tent with their hammering hooves, so keep this possibility in mind.

The short version then: Sleeping in an inauspicious directional orientation causes problems. Problems like fly bites, excessive bloating, sunburn, bad relationships, poor grades, and blisters. So smart-up and always exercise caution.

But let's say that you did everything right, and you awaken the next morning, still alive. Good. So, next?

Well, if you are down at the foot of the hill, one of two things happened. Either you rolled during the night — in which case you need more sleeping stakes — or the local chi spirits gave you the boot, maybe because you're a dick or you fart too much.

So what then?

Refuse to lose. Appease the chi. This is about your only chance to make it home alive anyway, so you might as well go for it. Follow these handy instructions:

• Clean up. Comb your hair. Shave, even if you are a woman (most female backpackers need it too).
• Create a shrine. Twigs are OK. Rocks too. It's the thought that counts. Spirits don't know any better anyway, unless you try making your shrine out of poo like some smartass. If so, you will get what you deserve. Promise. They are on to that trick.
• Make offerings. Chi spirits really like peanut butter and whiskey, especially together, but most anything edible will do. Once again, no poop, not even an artful and clever sculpture made from it, even if that just happens to be your only talent.
• Meditate. You don't have to do anything special aside from making it look authentic, but try not to snore. Think you got problems now? Try snoring on meditation watch. Then you'll see.
• Walk at least half a mile (0.8 km) before snickering, after you conclude that this is all crap. Chi spirits enjoy following people like you to see if their first opinion was right. Uh — no. Better make that a full mile to be safe.
• Watch the sky for flying monkeys.

 

Part 2

 

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Me? Right now, trying to keep my nose hairs under control.
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Sounds Kind Of Like

 

First, the state of nutritional science in 107 words:

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.

That's about the sum total, folks. No one really knows nothin', outside of a few hints.

 

Dhoti? Dhow? Dia? Dido? Die? Die Away? Die Out? Diode? Dit? Ditto? Ditty? Do Away With? Do It? Doh? Doha? Doodad? Doodle? Dot? Dote? Dotty? Dowdy? Dud? Dude? Due Date? Due To? Duet? Duty? Dye?

Nope. Diet. Let's talk diet.

A diet is a way of eating to achieve a purpose. All diets exclude. Every general-purpose diet, intended to cover people in general, is a fraud. Let's label that fraud as "fad". There are three broad classes of diets. Two of them are not fads, and they are critical, but those two classes are so narrow and so tiny that they are almost non-existent. We'll start with them.

 

Class One Diet

What works for you. Like the woman who eats only beef, with water, and a bit of salt. Perfect.

I'm happy for her. Whatever she says is fine. I cannot judge what she does, and I also have no interest in even trying to eat this way because I don't want to. I also don't think that it would help me in any way. Probably the opposite.

This diet is exclusionary.

I know that I could not eat cow brains, cow livers, cow kidneys, or cow hearts to get at their essential fatty richness, which is required because lean meat will not sustain life. I wasn't raised on organ meats and could not even force myself to eat them now. I also know that I could not afford to buy enough beef to keep myself alive, and I have no interest in spending hours each week cracking open long bones to get at marrow.

This diet is an interesting data point for me but nothing else, a curiosity. Some people are more oriented toward vegetables and grains, or fish, or meat. Some can't handle milk. Some can. Evolution has worked in different directions in different parts of the world. We have all been tuned differently. We come from separate sub-species. We need to eat differently, accordingly.

My people are flatlanders. They are tough and stupid, hard to kill. They can stand out on the prairie in their underwear, at night, in a blizzard, just to see what it feels like and say things like "Hey! This is the real deal then, not?" And then go back inside to watch more TV. They eat potatoes and meat and butter and milk and cheese and eggs and dumplings and a little cabbage and some borscht now and then, and grow very old and feel utterly fine, while remaining skeptical of those vegetable things lurking in the garden. And they love gluten, passionately.

Maybe not you, but who's asking?

 

Class Two Diet

This one is prescribed by a qualified, knowledgeable, experienced medical professional for exactly one person, based on a diagnosis backed up by verifiable, quantified data, to treat a real medical condition. It is exclusionary.

End of story.

 

Class Three Diet

The fad.

I break this out into "fad", "fantasy", "fetish", and "cult" subclasses, but they are really all the same. They claim to be applicable to one and all — just "Do this, and everything will be perfect." That's the hook. Always with the hook.

These are also exclusionary.

Some exclude sugar, some exclude all fat, or only "bad" fat. Some exclude protein. Some exclude starches. Some leave out fruit, leave out everything but fruit. On and on. All of them promise. Promise big time. Lovely promises, all.

• Cult
• The Jim Jones Kool-Aid diet. Ends all your problems in mere seconds. Drink up.
• Breatharian. Ditto — Death, but slightly slower to arrive.
• Vegan. Guaranteed to kill you as well, but it could take a decade or two, due to deficiencies in vitamins K2 and B12 (B12 is not produced by plants).
  
  
• Fetish
• "Detox" diets, as if the body didn't do this, day and night, forever, on its own, relentlessly.
• "Clean food" diets. (Which apparently prevent everything you eat from turning to shit.)
• "Macrobiotic". Do anything you want, because the food will protect you, because it makes you holy.
  
  
• Fantasy
• Want a butt like Kim Kardashian? Then eat what she does.
• Want a husband like Kim Kardashian? Then eat what she does.
• Prefer Suzanne Somers? Then try Somersizing. Works for me! Ya-sure-you-betcha-right.
  
  
• Fad
• Almost anything, really — too numerous to list them all.
• Mediterranean. (Enjoy sunny, lazy days the yacht, guzzling olive oil).
• Baby Food Diet. (Yeck. You know how hard it is to hire a diaper-changer?)
• Cabbage soup diet. (Like starving in the old country, when we felt blessed to find bugs in our soup.)
• Gluten-free. (As if.)
• Fruitarian. (Recommended by Sir Shitsalot.)
• Grapefruit. (Or his wife.)
• Master Cleanse. (Cf. Sir Shitsalot.)
• Morning banana. (What — apples are out?)
• Paleolithic. (Drag them knuckles, Knut. Grunt and fart like you mean it.)
• And an infinite number of others.

 

Class Act Diet

This isn't a diet. It is inclusive.

The trick is you just eat. Food doesn't really matter that much unless you fork with it. Like by not eating it, which is what each and every "diet" mandates. Or by obsessing over it. There is a line spouted by some that goes "Don't eliminate, replace." But replacing one food with another is eliminating. Fish isn't beef, isn't chicken, isn't tofu, isn't pork. Each is similar to the others in some ways, but no food is a drop-in substitute for any other. Better to add or maybe alternate than to either eliminate or replace.

Instead of all this crap, go back to step one, but not to eating only beef. Rather, pick a cuisine that appeals to you — Vietnamese, Peruvian, Icelandic — anything. Just pick one. Or what your grandmother ate, if she was born before the 20th century, before food became big business.

What you'll get is good food that has been vetted for centuries, possibly millennia. Guaranteed to make you happy and keep you well, because it tastes good and because it also supplies everything you need to keep going. Because it's what people have voted for, with their mouths, and because they stayed alive and happy and healthy on it.

Cuisines are continuously evolving, but they do so slowly, by adding new items, and seeing a few items gradually fade out. This is good. Because, if nothing happens suddenly, then there is plenty of time to make corrections. And because there are millions of mouths involved, the cuisine gets voted on by all sorts of people with varied lifestyles, body types, and nutritional needs, constantly.

That means that you yourself are guaranteed to be well treated by a cuisine, any cuisine, and if you just eat it you will be OK. That's it, all there is.

But I bet that much more depends on getting lots of sleep, shunning dangerous chemicals like tobacco and other drugs, avoiding contact with communicable diseases, and getting a lot of exercise. This last one is probably the most important. A good goal might be a tithe — exercise for 2½ hours a day, every day. Pant and break a sweat. Repeat tomorrow, forever.

Even a hundred years ago most people were physically active most of the time. Imagine being on your feet for 10 or 12 hours a day, at a job, moving, using your muscles, and then walking home and doing chores. We don't do that now. Maybe we should. Fewer of us might be crazy.

And food would be just something to eat and enjoy.

 

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Stealuth Hiking Tuxedo

Breaking news: Next-Level Technologies reveals next-level technology for the next level in outdoor stealth technology.

 

"Have fun, do stuff, be invisible," all great words to live by.

If you, like us, go camo whenever possible, even down to your underwear, then you might think about investing a few bucks into a Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo.

Sure, you've heard about "stealth camping", that hobby of penniless hikers, game poachers, and cheapskates of every stripe, and perhaps you've even done some, but have you gotten your fill? Maybe not, we're thinking. Maybe you'd really like to go full bore for once. Be top notch, top drawer, A-Number-One. Stand out in your field without standing out anywhere, ever.

This could be your chance.

What's a B2 bomber got that you don't? Besides nuclear weapons, and several jet engines, and a lot of excess weight? Well, even if you have some of your own excess weight?

Stealth.

That's it — stealth.

But can a B2 take a nap undetected in your average wheat field and live on mice and berries? Nope, not even.

But you can. If you want to.

Just send $39.99 and 17,000 box tops to Uncle Bob's Secret Hidey Hole & Conspiracy Scout Camp and within several months you will receive by return mail your very own Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo, complete with instructions and a field manual of dating and camping etiquette tips for the guy who has nothing but still wants to try maybe one last time.

Don't get invited to parties? Only a minor obstacle. Once you have your Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo, no one will be sure if they saw you there or not anyway.

Short on cash this week? Also not an issue. The Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo is great for trips to the grocery store, where you can grab whatever you need and then simply walk out — no one will see a thing. You can pay later on, as soon as you've found enough spare change on the sidewalks around town. Simple, simple, simple.

And if you ever do go backpacking (or even day hiking) but are a bit shy about that whole hitchhiking thing, well it's easier than you think. Find a car that's stopped, preferably at a gas station or cafe, and let yourself in. (Tip here — the back seat is your best bet, because any rustling noises your leaves make won't be so easy to hear.)

Sit quietly, try not to sneeze, and wait until you've gone somewhere. Where you end up doesn't really matter because no one will see you anyway, and if you keep trying, you're sure to find a nice town eventually. Then just get out and make yourself at home. Works every time and is totally stress free. No need for fidgeting or smalltalk. Silence is just silence, without any of the awkward parts (except for sneezing), and if you forget to climb out in time, well, you can stay with your host for a few days — hey, you're already friends, right?

Easy peasy.

 

FAQ

Q: Do I have to wash?

A: No, but your Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo (also known as a "ghillie suit") needs to be hosed down every now and then. Use cool water only. Agitate by hand. If any bugs float to the surface, don't eat them.

Q: How do I store my Tux then?

A: A cardboard box is fine — maybe even the one you already live in. If you do get a musty smell, try a bath. If the smell is from your your Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo, then maybe it's trying to tell you something, or learn to enjoy it. Either one works.

Q: Will this outfit suddenly burst into flames and end in an agonizing death?

A: Probably not. In fact, none of our customers has ever reported that they've died in this exact way. But if you are worried, even a little bit, try generously spraying your Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo with Flame-B-Gone and you might have a fighting chance if the worst happens. Should this induce mold growth, try a general-purpose fungicide.

Q: How long will my Tux last?

A: Well, assuming that you don't go up in flames first, probably longer than you can stand to think about it. In case of problems, see your usual therapist. Or you can write us. If we're still in business we'll think about sending a reply as long as you don't get all whiny. Good luck then.

Etc.

Ghillie suit

Ghillie Suit Warehouse - Your Ghillie Suit Experts in Camouflage

The Ghillie Suit Pros - Experts in Ghillie Suits for Camouflage

Ghillie images stolen from Red Rock Outdoor Gear and manipulated until they agreed to cooperate.

 

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All It Ever Does Is Rain

I wish I knew.

But it does look ultralight.

 

Maybe not now, though.

 

Maybe next year. Or something. Next lifetime.

 

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Been There?

Roadside Wonder Semi-National Park And Aquatic Center

I thought the ranger was cute, but then I noticed that he had too many toes on one of his feet. He was wearing heavy boots so I couldn't be sure, but I'm sure. I'm never going back there unless I don't have anything better to do. No convenient outlet malls for shopping either. P.S. Mom warned me but I didn't listen. Thanks for nothing, Mom.

— Bradley

 

Rocky Canyon National Park

Pretty much what you'd expect from a hole in the ground, and they still charge admission besides. I'm telling all my friends so they don't have to as well.

— Bethany-Ann Morgul

 

Sir Francis Ozark Non-Representational State Forest, Arkansas

Not bad if you're into modern dance and abstract art but I got indigestion. Maybe I licked off too much of the finger paint. I think it was the orange. Avoid the orange, otherwise you'll probably be OK. There were some bugs too. Just off Highway 12½. Turn left at the big barn and ask for Joe if you really feel this adventurous. It helps if you know sign language.

— Rupert (I'm an accountant in real life.)

 

Scrubland Regional Desolation Area and Provincial Toxic Waste Reserve

I think this was in Canada or someplace. I don't remember how we ended up in a foreign country if that's what it is. Dad just gets us in the car and drives, you can't even talk to him. So after about a day and a half he just stops and sort of falls out of the car and there we are. Nothing to do there except it got more interesting when we all started developing skin lesions. Then somebody came and took us into town. We had a few hamburgers but the french fries were not that good plus the money looked weird and stuff. I'd rather watch TV. Never going on vacation again unless they have a real roller coaster. They kept Dad. Said he was unusual or something I think. So far we don't miss him that much.

— Charles

 

Bug Infestation County Park, Kansas

I ate something on a stick. I thought it was cooked but then it started moving but I was hungry so I pretended that I didn't notice. It had feelers. They kinda tickled. I usually work in an office so this was all new to me. I just hope I didn't catch something while I was there.

— Sally

 

Mount Rainy National Park

WTF!!!! NO RAIN!!! Plus there's this big honking mountain you have to drive around or you can't get anywhere. Anyhow I hate rain so I don't know why I even went there in the first place and there were lots of people like hanging out like they were waiting for something or something but there weren't any geysers or anything just this mountain with some like glaciers or something way up there and it was too far to walk and it's only glaciers and stuff anyway. We're never going back.

— Theresa and Cuddles

 

Stomach Cramps Roadside Rest Area, Missouri

The name pretty much says it all. We stayed for a week until the Sheriff came and kicked us out but he kept my Howdy Doody Commemorative 10th Anniversary publicity photo signed by Buffalo Bob himself in 1957 and I for one will never forgive him for this.

— Walton James Thurber III

 

Death Valley

Over-rated. Nobody died while we were there. Avoid if possible.

— Valentina (I used to be a ballet dancer!)

 

Fallen Arches National Park

This is the other one. It's in Iowa. You go there expecting an adventure but all they do is try to sell you overpriced insoles. It isn't even a National Park. I checked. Totally phony but I did meet an interesting guy there. His name is Rolf — used to be famous back in the 60s. Kept trying to get me to come out behind the shed where he promised to show me his energy field. It's true that magnets stick to him, I saw it, but I'm not really into that anyway. I'm more of a shopping person so we parted ways. I got a great deal on a pair of patent leather flats (black) covered with ladybugs so it wasn't a total waste except all the ladybugs ran away right after I paid for them. Kind of a bummer.

— Rawya Lindstrom-Tuttle (Not my real name, lol!)

 

Pretty Large Dismal Swamp, Virginia

Not a world-class place. I've personally gotten far more depressed at work, and without so many snakes around, and there's no Starbucks nearby. Poor humidity control too, if you ask me.

— Olivier

 

Samson Agonistes Tragic Roadside Theme Park, Colorado

Wish the show had gone on longer. Six hours is definitely not enough time to do justice to this magnificent story. Very clever use of sock puppets though.

Does have a few kind of clumsy lines, like:

Then with what trivial weapon came to hand,
The jaw of a dead ass, his sword of bone,
A thousand foreskins fell

So you may want to prepare yourself for awkward questions from the kids, just a word to the wise, but they make their own popcorn fresh for every performance and Dalila was a major babe, especially for a character made from wool hiking socks, and I'd like to know who Samson's hair stylist is since I've got this awkward bald spot, but I probably should have just bought one of the souvenir wigs. Oh, well...

Also great: Manoa the Father of Samson, Harapha of Gath, and the Chorus of Danites. Best Chorus of Danites ever, but when we finally did crawl into our sleeping bags about 3 a.m. the guy in the next tent's snoring pretty well kept us awake all night, and there was apparently a little swordplay down by the restroom area which was not at all soothing either, but I have to admit I really did fall for the beer-flavored ice cream and was completely enraptured by almost all of the serving wenches.

The wife of course totally got into the main dude and absolutely had to have one of the official life-size Samson-replica dolls, but I wouldn't let her bring it into the tent. She wanted all of us to "snuggle" and so on. Wait til we get home, for crying out loud, at least, I told her.

I'm sure we'll be spending a few nights working through this one.

I'm definitely going back though. Maybe without the wife even. We'll see. Thursday maybe. Love those wenches.

— Walter

 

J. R. Simplot America's Favorite Side Dish Hot & Spicy Golden Brown Tater-Togs National Forest, Idaho

Lots of stumps, and if you like beef stroganoff, you're not getting it here.

— Leslie

 

Oh So Oso Chocolate-Flavored Fruit Punch Tufted Auditory Appendages National Monument and Uranium Mine

We had a fun tour of the pit. It's not every day you get to drive your own rented jeep around in a working uranium mine and visit the therapy chamber of your choice. "Bring back that healthy glow," the sign said, so hey — worth a shot. I still feel a little buzz going on, and it's been six weeks now.

This used to be called Hoon‘Naqvut, or Shash Jaa’, or Kwiyagatu Nukavachi, or maybe Ansh An Lashokdiwe (they couldn't seem to decide) so no wonder they changed it. In English it's supposed to be like "Bears Ears", so why couldn't they just say it? The story is it used to be sacred or something. Mostly dirt. Sacred dirt, I guess. Whatever.

Got boring after a while, so we spent most of our time in the cafe and gift shop trying out the drinks. Brought home a sixpack. Lots of teddy bears for sale. Any kind you could want. Best variety I've ever seen, all imported, which makes up a little for the vast wasteland outside the plate glass windows. Oil wells and off-road racing could only be an improvement here.

If you visit, don't miss the Ryan Zinke Memorial Restroom, which has the only diesel-powered toilet I've ever even heard of. It also has a nice portrait of a recent President hanging inside to inspire you.

— Hamish Enfilade (I'm not from around here so don't blame me.)