Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Been There?

Roadside Wonder Semi-National Park And Aquatic Center

I thought the ranger was cute, but then I noticed that he had too many toes on one of his feet. He was wearing heavy boots so I couldn't be sure, but I'm sure. I'm never going back there unless I don't have anything better to do. No convenient outlet malls for shopping either. P.S. Mom warned me but I didn't listen. Thanks for nothing, Mom.

— Bradley


Rocky Canyon National Park

Pretty much what you'd expect from a hole in the ground, and they still charge admission besides. I'm telling all my friends so they don't have to as well.

— Bethany-Ann Morgul


Sir Francis Ozark Non-Representational State Forest, Arkansas

Not bad if you're into modern dance and abstract art but I got indigestion. Maybe I licked off too much of the finger paint. I think it was the orange. Avoid the orange, otherwise you'll probably be OK. There were some bugs too. Just off Highway 12½. Turn left at the big barn and ask for Joe if you really feel this adventurous. It helps if you know sign language.

— Rupert (I'm an accountant in real life.)


Scrubland Regional Desolation Area and Provincial Toxic Waste Reserve

I think this was in Canada or someplace. I don't remember how we ended up in a foreign country if that's what it is. Dad just gets us in the car and drives, you can't even talk to him. So after about a day and a half he just stops and sort of falls out of the car and there we are. Nothing to do there except it got more interesting when we all started developing skin lesions. Then somebody came and took us into town. We had a few hamburgers but the french fries were not that good plus the money looked weird and stuff. I'd rather watch TV. Never going on vacation again unless they have a real roller coaster. They kept Dad. Said he was unusual or something I think. So far we don't miss him that much.

— Charles


Bug Infestation County Park, Kansas

I ate something on a stick. I thought it was cooked but then it started moving but I was hungry so I pretended that I didn't notice. It had feelers. They kinda tickled. I usually work in an office so this was all new to me. I just hope I didn't catch something while I was there.

— Sally


Mount Rainy National Park

WTF!!!! NO RAIN!!! Plus there's this big honking mountain you have to drive around or you can't get anywhere. Anyhow I hate rain so I don't know why I even went there in the first place and there were lots of people like hanging out like they were waiting for something or something but there weren't any geysers or anything just this mountain with some like glaciers or something way up there and it was too far to walk and it's only glaciers and stuff anyway. We're never going back.

— Theresa and Cuddles


Stomach Cramps Roadside Rest Area, Missouri

The name pretty much says it all. We stayed for a week until the Sheriff came and kicked us out but he kept my Howdy Doody Commemorative 10th Anniversary publicity photo signed by Buffalo Bob himself in 1957 and I for one will never forgive him for this.

— Walton James Thurber III


Death Valley

Over-rated. Nobody died while we were there. Avoid if possible.

— Valentina (I used to be a ballet dancer!)


Fallen Arches National Park

This is the other one. It's in Iowa. You go there expecting an adventure but all they do is try to sell you overpriced insoles. It isn't even a National Park. I checked. Totally phony but I did meet an interesting guy there. His name is Rolf — used to be famous back in the 60s. Kept trying to get me to come out behind the shed where he promised to show me his energy field. It's true that magnets stick to him, I saw it, but I'm not really into that anyway. I'm more of a shopping person so we parted ways. I got a great deal on a pair of patent leather flats (black) covered with ladybugs so it wasn't a total waste except all the ladybugs ran away right after I paid for them. Kind of a bummer.

— Rawya Lindstrom-Tuttle (Not my real name, lol!)


Pretty Large Dismal Swamp, Virginia

Not a world-class place. I've personally gotten far more depressed at work, and without so many snakes around, and there's no Starbucks nearby. Poor humidity control too, if you ask me.

— Olivier


Samson Agonistes Tragic Roadside Theme Park, Colorado

Wish the show had gone on longer. Six hours is definitely not enough time to do justice to this magnificent story. Very clever use of sock puppets though.

Does have a few kind of clumsy lines, like:

Then with what trivial weapon came to hand,
The jaw of a dead ass, his sword of bone,
A thousand foreskins fell

So you may want to prepare yourself for awkward questions from the kids, just a word to the wise, but they make their own popcorn fresh for every performance and Dalila was a major babe, especially for a character made from wool hiking socks, and I'd like to know who Samson's hair stylist is since I've got this awkward bald spot, but I probably should have just bought one of the souvenir wigs. Oh, well...

Also great: Manoa the Father of Samson, Harapha of Gath, and the Chorus of Danites. Best Chorus of Danites ever, but when we finally did crawl into our sleeping bags about 3 a.m. the guy in the next tent's snoring pretty well kept us awake all night, and there was apparently a little swordplay down by the restroom area which was not at all soothing either, but I have to admit I really did fall for the beer-flavored ice cream and was completely enraptured by almost all of the serving wenches.

The wife of course totally got into the main dude and absolutely had to have one of the official life-size Samson-replica dolls, but I wouldn't let her bring it into the tent. She wanted all of us to "snuggle" and so on. Wait til we get home, for crying out loud, at least, I told her.

I'm sure we'll be spending a few nights working through this one.

I'm definitely going back though. Maybe without the wife even. We'll see. Thursday maybe. Love those wenches.

— Walter


J. R. Simplot America's Favorite Side Dish Hot & Spicy Golden Brown Tater-Togs National Forest, Idaho

Lots of stumps, and if you like beef stroganoff, you're not getting it here.

— Leslie


Oh So Oso Chocolate-Flavored Fruit Punch Tufted Auditory Appendages National Monument and Uranium Mine

We had a fun tour of the pit. It's not every day you get to drive your own rented jeep around in a working uranium mine and visit the therapy chamber of your choice. "Bring back that healthy glow," the sign said, so hey — worth a shot. I still feel a little buzz going on, and it's been six weeks now.

This used to be called Hoon‘Naqvut, or Shash Jaa’, or Kwiyagatu Nukavachi, or maybe Ansh An Lashokdiwe (they couldn't seem to decide) so no wonder they changed it. In English it's supposed to be like "Bears Ears", so why couldn't they just say it? The story is it used to be sacred or something. Mostly dirt. Sacred dirt, I guess. Whatever.

Got boring after a while, so we spent most of our time in the cafe and gift shop trying out the drinks. Brought home a sixpack. Lots of teddy bears for sale. Any kind you could want. Best variety I've ever seen, all imported, which makes up a little for the vast wasteland outside the plate glass windows. Oil wells and off-road racing could only be an improvement here.

If you visit, don't miss the Ryan Zinke Memorial Restroom, which has the only diesel-powered toilet I've ever even heard of. It also has a nice portrait of a recent President hanging inside to inspire you.

— Hamish Enfilade (I'm not from around here so don't blame me.)