Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Definitions: Spoon

(1) A position that hikers may innocently and often unintentionally assume while sleeping in a trail shelter. I.e. sharing warmth with a friend, or with any random warm body that happens to be lying next to you.

This can, of course, result in several varieties of surprise, such as when the warm body that happens to be lying next to you is a bear attempting to snuffle its way into your neighbor's pack in search of midnight munchies, or, in another case, when that warm body that happens to be lying next to you is in fact a swarm of mice the size of a bear. (Note: This takes lots of mice to pull off, so be forewarned here — you will be doing a whole bunch of swatting in short order.)

This isn't the spoon we're talking about anyway, so forget you read that and move along...

(2) That tool you dig food with, according to Homer J. Simpson. Closer...

(3) The only eating utensil that a real hiker will consider carrying. Yeah, maybe...

(4) An unnecessary complication. Which is true, if you are really hardcore.

But some people use sporks. What's wrong with sporks?

This sounds like a simple question, but you could get stuck in a vast wet swamp of similar what's wrong with sorts of questions, and thinking about them will leave you paralyzed by unnecessary mental activity, which is a notorious time sucker.

Questions like:

  • What's wrong with the SEC?
  • What's wrong with Starbucks?
  • What's wrong with the Chiefs?
  • What's wrong with my tomato sauce?
  • What's wrong with Vanderbilt women's basketball?
  • What's wrong with Barron Trump?
  • What's wrong with Sports Illustrated
  • What's wrong with you?
  • What's wrong with gender reveal parties?
  • What's wrong with white women voters?
  • What's wrong with groovin?

So, the simple answer, applicable to nearly every dining situation is...Use a stick.

If you start feeling fancy, use two sticks. Now you've got chow sticks, and still can't eat soup, but sticks are everywhere, so feel free to play around. (And for crying out loud, just drink your damn soup already.)

For those times when you can't find even one stick, then, if hiking with others, use any finger of your non-nose-picking hand. Or any finger at all if you're hiking alone, or don't care what people think, and if you're a hardcore backpacker you don't care about anything except for being seen as a hardcore backpacker, so a move like this could enhance your image reputation, if that's what you have. Hard to say.

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