Thursday, February 21, 2013

At First I Thought It Was A Coyote

Then I realized it was a wolf.

Hi. My name is Sharon. I'm a wolf. A female wolf.

Don't act so surprised.

You've heard of wolves.

Well, I am one, and I just happen to be a girl.

That's what I call myself. Don't you get any ideas though. It's Ms. wolf to you.

Now, let's talk.

It's possible you have never seen a wolf before, especially one like me.

But if you have seen a wolf, most likely it was one of of those listless, depressed, moth-eaten specimens in some zoo.

That isn't what wolves are like.

That's what you people do to wolves.

I, however, am a real wolf. A live wolf. A wild wolf.

And I am passing through.

Like I said - don't get any ideas.

Sure, this is nice country, but there is a lot of country, and a lot of it is nice. What you have here? Another place.

Only another place, as far as I can see.

Some good, some bad, some eh. Like most places.

I come from up North. Way up North.

I like to capitalize that word.


That way it has a kind of ring to it. Maybe it's a ring you can't hear, but you know it's there anyway. Maybe.


Around here, Canada is what you call my home territory.

I don't.

I don't call it that. None of us do.

If you prove you have good manners, and I choose to hang around, I may tell you the whole story some day.

And maybe not. I don't know yet. I doubt it.

And humans are notoriously unreliable. They like to wallow in their ignorance, so it's a long shot that we'll be hanging out together. A very, very long shot.

Anyway, we wolves prefer our own company.

So unless you somehow become a wolf (and based on what I've seen so far, I seriously doubt your qualifications), we won't be doing too much talking.

Sure. Go ahead. Take a few photos.

But don't try anything funny, hear? I can be on the wrong side of you before you put down that camera and reach for anything else.

No. You really are not fast enough.

Or smart enough.

Not compared to me.

You didn't "accidentally" encounter me either. I've been watching you for a long time. I just wanted to get a closer look.

No. I am not really that impressed, now that you mention it. Not at all.

In fact, I just remembered a previous appointment.

Over by Far Creek.

Listen for the howling around midnight.

That will be us.


Wolf photographed near Ardenvoir probably just passing through

Friday, February 15, 2013

Red Rockin' With Jim.

The Fartruk fires back.

I'm Jim Fartruk, State Senator-To-Be from Utah, and I approved this message.

Folks, you all know the saying "Land - Buy now. God isn't making any more of it."

But what does this mean for the future of our National Parks?

Well, Erosion is our enemy. If you built your house below a cliff like my father did, then you know what can happen.

Erosion is relentless, constantly eating at our most precious natural resource, Land.

Whether it's floods, tornadoes -- whatever -- erosion is always carrying away the one thing we can never replace. The Land Beneath Our Feet.

And with National Park Service budgets declining and us facing this fiscal cliff thing, we could see another $5 million vanish. The sole agency responsible for maintaining the few National Parks that we still have is in Dire Straits.

This of course reveals the basic flaw in the whole idea of government. You can't run it without money, and you can't run it with money. It's a lose-lose-lose situation for both parties.

Five of these Critical Park Areas are in Utah, my home state. Canyonlands National Park and nearby Arches National Park would both be exceptionally hard hit. As for the others, well, just go ahead and guess.

With that in mind, and relying on guidance which I have Personally Received From Above, I am now proposing that each and every Citizen and Resident of these United States of America, both Permanent and Temporary, Legal and Illegal, join together to Preserve and Enhance our Public Lands.

Think about becoming America's Best Friend. You can do it, and it's easy, and we don't need no stinkin' government to make it work.

Every time you leave home take an empty plastic bottle, a paper bag, whatever. Here and there, wherever you go, whenever you think of it, grab some dirt and drop it in. Then take that dirt home and put it in a safe place.

After a while it adds up.

A friend of mine did this very thing every year when he went on vacation. His whole family pitched in, and now he has a good start on his own mountain range. He's a hunter too, so think of the possibilities.

And think of what we can do, all working together. As a Nation. Without bureaucrats.

Friends, it boggles my mind, and probably yours too.

Well, a few of us have started already, and all you need to do is roll up your sleeves. We've set up a project on Kickstarter, a project we call Hands for Lands. Unlike most projects, we're not looking to raise funds.

We only want your dirt.

And rocks, and possibly a few twigs and dead insects, but not too many. You know what I mean.

Taxes on land, and on mineral development (coal mines, oil wells, etc.) provides cold hard cash that jumps right into government coffers, but that doesn't help the land. No, not one bit.

You know where those Tax Dollars go. Into the same old black hole.

So if government doesn't help, what does? Environmentally Minded People. People who reach out and grab a piece of Mother Earth.

People who pick up a little dirt here and there.

People like you and me. People in Moab, at the southern tip of Arches National Park, and, well, people all across this Great Nation of ours, some of whom even live in places like Chicago, though I don't know how they manage.

Friends, I believe we have a Last Great Opportunity not only to protect millions of acres of Roadless Lands but to create millions of acres More, all free of Big Government Control.

Simply become a Grab and Send volunteer and these United States of America will thank you.

As will I.

So bend over for America and then show us what you got.

Send dirt, support the NRA, and watch for those Black United Nations Helicopters. They could be here any day.


A Move to Protect Red-Rock Country in Utah

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Explore Our Seven Varieties Of Sugar

Try eating just one.

We have White, we have Super White, we have Titanium White (It's shiny!), and now we have Golden White.

OK, that's four.

The others are Powdered White, Raw White, and Dark White.

We know sugar. Sugar is our biz, and we want to get you buzzed.

Little known fact: Sugar is the only food that the human body actually uses. The rest is all flavorings and artificial colors, plus a few stray proteins and other contaminants that only cause gas.

In case you wondered what's in your poop, it's that other stuff. Proteins, fats, roughage. Useless crap.

The stuff you eat that never comes back out? Sugar. Because your body knows a good thing when one comes along.

When the food you eat gets all digested and so on, and into the blood stream, circulating around, what do you think happens when it gets to the cells?

Give up?

Only sugar gets through those cell membranes.


Cells know what's good for them, and that would be sugar. Which is why we here at Koch&Ayne, makers of fine sugar products since powder was invented, take special pride in our work.

Here's just one example: The most often requested recipes from Koch&Ayne are for cookies. Sweet, sweet sugar cookies. Because why?

Because cookies are everyone's favorite treat.

Because cookies are chock full of sugar and are easy to prepare, and because they are addictive.

Cookies are a treat that can't stop saying "Bite me!"

For cookie perfection, follow a few simple tips.

To avoid problems with your cookie dough, add the least amount of flour possible. Substitute sugar, which keeps the cookies moist.

If your dough gets crumbly, add high fructose corn syrup - not the best way to go, but it's a good antidote for too much flour, and maintains that essential sweet taste.

After baking, if your cookies come out flat and thin and you think you followed all the directions, you didn't. Add more sugar next time.

If you're short on time, try leaving out the fillers. Like eggs, butter, and most of the flour. Remember: the key to great cookies is sugar. You can never go wrong with sugar.

And if time is really tight, skip the baking too. Whip water, flour, and that main ingredient, sugar, in a bowl, and heat on top of the stove until the batter thickens. Let it cool briefly, and eat it from the pot.

Later, when family and friends arrive, they can have some too. If they can pry that pot out of your cold, dead hands.



How to store cookies: Don't.

Eat now, make more later.


That's the secret to a long and happy life.

And of course, if you go hiking or backpacking, leave the freeze-dried turds for the amateurs. All your body really needs is the sweet kiss of Titanium White, available only from Koch&Ayne, purveyors of sparkly granules and patented powders since whenever.

We can't remember either.