Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Explore Our Seven Varieties Of Sugar

Try eating just one.

We have White, we have Super White, we have Titanium White (It's shiny!), and now we have Golden White.

OK, that's four.

The others are Powdered White, Raw White, and Dark White.

We know sugar. Sugar is our biz, and we want to get you buzzed.

Little known fact: Sugar is the only food that the human body actually uses. The rest is all flavorings and artificial colors, plus a few stray proteins and other contaminants that only cause gas.

In case you wondered what's in your poop, it's that other stuff. Proteins, fats, roughage. Useless crap.

The stuff you eat that never comes back out? Sugar. Because your body knows a good thing when one comes along.

When the food you eat gets all digested and so on, and into the blood stream, circulating around, what do you think happens when it gets to the cells?

Give up?

Only sugar gets through those cell membranes.

Sweet.

Cells know what's good for them, and that would be sugar. Which is why we here at Koch&Ayne, makers of fine sugar products since powder was invented, take special pride in our work.

Here's just one example: The most often requested recipes from Koch&Ayne are for cookies. Sweet, sweet sugar cookies. Because why?

Because cookies are everyone's favorite treat.

Because cookies are chock full of sugar and are easy to prepare, and because they are addictive.

Cookies are a treat that can't stop saying "Bite me!"

For cookie perfection, follow a few simple tips.

To avoid problems with your cookie dough, add the least amount of flour possible. Substitute sugar, which keeps the cookies moist.

If your dough gets crumbly, add high fructose corn syrup - not the best way to go, but it's a good antidote for too much flour, and maintains that essential sweet taste.

After baking, if your cookies come out flat and thin and you think you followed all the directions, you didn't. Add more sugar next time.

If you're short on time, try leaving out the fillers. Like eggs, butter, and most of the flour. Remember: the key to great cookies is sugar. You can never go wrong with sugar.

And if time is really tight, skip the baking too. Whip water, flour, and that main ingredient, sugar, in a bowl, and heat on top of the stove until the batter thickens. Let it cool briefly, and eat it from the pot.

Later, when family and friends arrive, they can have some too. If they can pry that pot out of your cold, dead hands.

Right?

Right!

How to store cookies: Don't.

Eat now, make more later.

Always.

That's the secret to a long and happy life.

And of course, if you go hiking or backpacking, leave the freeze-dried turds for the amateurs. All your body really needs is the sweet kiss of Titanium White, available only from Koch&Ayne, purveyors of sparkly granules and patented powders since whenever.

We can't remember either.

Bye!

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