Wednesday, November 30, 2011

419 Xmas

Shop our holiday cattalog.

Please to co-opterate, my good Friend. I am student in Nirobia close to finish my busy studies in Universitty. So youre name had come to me as an person of Fine Repute therefore I making these offer to-you-only in private as a person.

I am needing samples for my Studies in the Graduate Department of Banking Account Numbers such as you excellent persons are aware of as being printed on your personal checks, and so.

Please to forward some - you, friends, your family and employer, etc. etc., for which I will ge grateful, the moore the better. I also grant you footnote in my distertation to be publish very soon now on paper.

And become I know of you from your write things often on the blog, upon direct receipt of such as name, sociable securnity numbers, bank name and account, date from your birth, address, etc. etc., you are also thereby sudden eligibal for free drawing of useful outdoor goods to use.

I am fellow backpacker too you see. Gleefull!

As you are aware no doubt we in Nirobia are always do the many hike. To work, to the well, to war and so on. All the time hikeing, we. And so we know the things how to make them. We have now big Store full of thes Authenttic Goods together forsale which we manufacture of heightest qualities, and you can win from it!

Send name, etc. etc., for proper identification and quickmail delivery upon wining and pretty soon you can have new sandals to hikeing in (free!)and still also be feature with honour in my distertation too as I mention previous.

i am direct son of DR. Albert Fredthe Chief Accounting Officer of a bank, to prove my safe identity for you reassurance. The financial statement of our bank is over US$130,000,000,000.00 (one hundred and thirty Dollars United States) and the current prospects of our bank is pretty good now.

Trust and Honesty. This is no doubt a pending mutual beneficiary transaction. It that will benefit both. To be sure. Kindly send me your privates as requested. May God Bless and so on.

I am expecting.

Ps, Friends too, just supply name, account, etc. etc. and win also, why not have them joinin right now OK? All can win! Upon win the drawing of Backpacking Goods, you get also fat discount of each order for life following, from our compleat catalogue with every time you wire moore cash by Western Union.

My most profound thanks to you, Sir or Madam.

Mr. Oswald Aptona Mnbamo, M.A., Department of the Studies, Nirobia.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

No More Crystal-I, Bub

Feds smell something old. Might be him.

Soon after the recent destruction of eighty-eight year old retired metallurgist Bob Wallace's business, the Feds have decided to get tough on anyone old and harmless, especially if they could be hikers.

Wallace, and his main squeeze (and reputed moll) Marjorie Ottenberg (85), have been packaging and selling crystalline iodine for 30 years, touting it as a drinking water disinfectant for hikers and backpackers.

They call it "Polar Pure".

The authorities beg to differ, having heard a rumor someone passed on that this stuff might possibly be used by methamphetamine lab operators, somehow or other, every now and then. To maybe do some kind of stuff.

That was good enough.

Although Wallace and Ottenberg (a chemist by trade) have repeatedly eluded authorities by the fiendishly devious ruse of staying home and minding their own business (which is manufacturing Polar Pure), the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency finally caught up with them last week, after looking up Wallace's name in the phone book and driving over to his house.

Once there the Feds were at first flummoxed by Wallace's security system -- his dog Buddy asleep on the front porch. But, faithful to their oath to "Look Real Busy!", the Feds eventually overcame their fear and sidled around to the garage where they nabbed Wallace, busily filling orders for his customers.

Wallace, a Stanford University-educated engineer, greeted the Men in Blue with a cheery "This old couple, barely surviving old farts, and we're supposed to be meth dealers? This is just plain stupid," before he was stuffed into a gunny sack and beaten with rubber hoses to relieve boredom for the agents, who also needed to work up an appetite for their mid-morning donut break.

DEA spokeswoman Bethany-Anne Cramphole said later, primarily through hand gestures and grimaces in addition to a few rudimentary grunts, that if Mr. Wallace hadn't wanted to get hurt then he shouldn't have been standing around looking old.

Special Agent Tracy Dickhead, a Narcotics Special Task Force Commandante-Enforcer, said he was currently on the lookout for "Beavis and Butt-Head" types, the kind of people who might just go off into the mountains and do unsupervised things out there.

"Cops are the most humorless knotheads on the planet," Wallace said, after which they surrounded him and pulled out all his nose hairs to prove it wasn't so.

After taking out Wallace and Ottenberg, the DEA agents swarmed the Gentle Acres Home for the Aged, and confiscated anything that looked suspicious.

Since they didn't understand what was going on out there, they took everything.

Federal agents say 88-year-old Saratoga man's invention is being used by meth labs.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Nibbly Bits To Be A Hit

Whether you want them to be or not.

Because resources are becoming scarcer, along with fresh clean water, and breathable air, we've decided to make the best of a bad situation.

Starting this week, in selected stores nationwide, we will be selling a new kind of backpacking snack food. We're calling it HikrNibbles.

What's in it?

Well, good stuff. It's all good. But mostly fish lips.

Decades of research into pet food has taught us a thing or two about what we can sell, and this is no exception. Design a colorful box, come up with a marketing plan, add salt, grease, assorted artificial flavors, and you have a winner.

Right now we're test-marketing fish lips to hikers, but this could go huge.

Right, you say to yourself, that's sounds pretty good, but I've never had fish lips and I'm not sure I want some, thank you for asking. But you would be missing the point.

This isn't about what you want, it's about what we can sell you. And how much we can charge. Fish lips are an untapped resource, up to now used only in low-end pet foods, and school lunch programs, and as fertilizer.

We think we can do better, and you can help.

Just try a few cases and see.

We're betting that before long you'll discover you can't get through even one day without having a box of our new HikrNibbles snack product within reach. That's due to our extensive market research, and a few "special" ingredients, which are all perfectly legal in some countries.

Enjoy the the mild smoky flavor, the salty tang, the way our fishy nuggets just seem to slide down your gullet. You'll keep coming back for more. And due to our "special" ingredients, we think you'll do that whether or not you want to.

Worried about sustainability? Don't be.

HikrNibbles aren't made from salmon, or tuna, or any of those other fish you've heard of. You know, the ones that are getting scarce.

Nope. We deal strictly in what the industry calls "by-catch".

By-catch or by-golly, there is more of this stuff than we know what to do with, and now you can eat it for us.

Whether you know what's in it or not, we are confident that our brilliant marketing research minds, honed to a sharp edge by years of selling to discerning pet owners from every level of society, have found a product that will keep your feet a-trompin' down that trail.

Just remember to carry an ample supply of HikrNibbles with you at all times to avoid any of those nasty "withdrawal symptoms", which are so easily avoidable. Just munch a bunch of nibbly bits.

Fido loves 'em too! $10 per 4-oz. pack. Practically no bitter aftertaste.

From In-Continent Foods.

More: Saving Salmon by Eating Them

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Hazbro EZ-Bake UL

A new trail boy toy.

You aren't a girly man - you're smart!

When it crashed onto the scene in 2004 the TurboBoil Mach4 CookSystem looked majorly major.

Fuel-efficient, wind-resistant, trendy, costing less than a pair of snow tires, it took every backpacker's attention off that nasty hiking stuff and kept it stuck on salesroom shelves.

The TurboBoil Mach4 was a huge step toward hot soup anywhere. Before that, too many hikers wasted precious hours hacking at beer cans only to get feeble alcohol stoves that could barely warm up a dish of cat food.

But all too soon the TurboBoil Mach4 itself became dated. There was that whole retro "fossil fuel", 20th-century aspect. And all those half-empty fuel canisters in the closet. And so on.

Well, backpacking stoves have now hit the bigtime.

Ta Da!

Today Hazbro, maker of the revolutionary EZ-Bake Oven, has entered the backpacking stove market. You heard it right, folks. As of today, Hazbro is on our side, with a new backcountry cooker.

Now you can look anyone in the eye and say with pride, "I hike like a girl." Because you can have tasty hot meals wherever, whenever, without burning lunch, your beard, or anything else. And how many of your friends can say that with a straight face?

The EZ-Bake goes anywhere a TurboBoil, SnowPoke, or SRM WhiskerLite can go. And because it's all electric you don't need old-style fuel. Of any kind!

Fumble-fingered? No problemo. Without flames you have zero chance of setting even one national park on fire.

Can't cook? Another non-issue. Just take along a supply of HikrChow PreMix Food-Paks, add water, heat, and swallow. As often as you want.

Practically completely bug-free!

Each PreMix Food-Pak is safely sealed off from air, sunlight, bugs, rats, mice, toads, bush weasels, flies, and basically anything with an appetite. Except you! And your friends!

And if you're shy about carrying bags of batteries, just pony up a few extra bucks for a couple of ChargeMor Batry Paks. Fit one Batry Pak on each knee and store up those kilozots as you hike. When you're set to cook, simply plug one into your EZ-Bake and have at it.

OK, you're more traditional? Bring a few EZ-Cellz Baker Batrys, alkaline or lithium. Your choice. They work just fine.

Wet it! Heat it! Eat it!

Want toast? Use the optional EZ-Broylr attachment.

Bowl of hot soup? Use the optional LektriKoyl heating unit up top. Hot drinks are ready almost as fast as you can pour water.

And though the standard EZ-Bake is only cupcake-sized, it is quick. Really quick. Especially with Hazbro's HikrChow PreMix Food-Paks. Wet it, heat it, eat it. That's what we say.

You can have a whole basket of baked goodies before you know it. Great for entertaining.

Colors? The EZ-Bake Oven comes in SnowWhite, PrettyPink, or AmmoKammo, with or without sparkles.

Technical details:

  • Size: 4x4x6 inches / 10x10x15 cm
  • Weight: 6 oz. / 170 g (without batteries)
  • Suggested retail: $19.95
  • ChargeMor Batry Pak (each): 7 lb / 3.18 kg, 9x11.5x4 in / 23x29x10cm, 75.32 volts, 10 amps, $187.59
  • EZ-Cellz Baker Batrys (each): 12 lb / 5.5 kg, 75.32 volts, 10 amps, $71.64
  • EZ-Broylr: 4 lb / 1.8 kg, $187.43
  • LektriKoyl: 1.5 lb / 0.7 kg, $93.26

HikrChow PreMix Food-Paks

  • Fudgie ChocoLike Chip Cookie Circles
  • SuprSugry ChocoLike Brownie Puddles
  • Hot-N-Sweet Sugry Pretzl Chews
  • GoopyChoco Snackie Pies
  • Mak-N-Cheez-N-Syrup (Maypl, RazlBerry, Proon)
  • FishyChips (with PynAppl chunks) *
  • Sausage-N-Spuds (with RazlBerry topping) *
  • CowMeat-N-Cabbage (with ChocoLike FlavrSprinklz) *
  • GeneriChow (misc. animal parts and animal part byproducts with SparklSprinklz) *

* (Makes its own gravy!)

Great for slumber parties too! You'll never be a "has-been" with Hazbro.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Backpacking: In Or Out?

Six simple questions for your mind.

Let's talk concepts

Backpackers aren't the world's dumbest people.

No really, think about it.

If you are truly dumb, are you going to put some stuff into a bag and go out hiking in the rain? I mean, you can't call that exactly dumb. Can you?

The word dumb has only four letters. This is actually too small to capture a big idea. Like whether hiking is dumb, or hiking in the rain is dumb, even.

You need at least five letters for a big idea. Take death, for example. Get my drift? Much bigger territory already, and only one more letter.

As words go, dumb is not that useful, and if you are a backpacker traveling light, maybe you don't even have it with you. True, dumb has only the one syllable, but on the other hand...

It's. Uh. Forgot where I was going with that.

So ideas. Can be tough, right? Let's talk about something else.

Hey! What's in and what's out this year?

1 - Dirty Underwear

A perennial topic. If you wear it, it will get dirty. But if you don't wear it, it can't! So, in or out?

2 - Toilet Paper

Another favorite. I bet you've seen this stuff at home, but did you use it? And if you did, did you wash it and use it again, or just toss it after the first time? I bet I know the answer!

But say you're backpacking, what then? A little tougher, isn't it? I mean, you've already got stuff to bury, but do you want even more stuff to bury?

Depends on how you feel about moss, leaves, and pine cones. So, in or out?

3 - Eating Other People's Food

Call it unguarded or call it temporarily available, it's still food, it's there, and you're always hungry.

Can you blame the missing food on chipmunks? Bobcats? Alligators? It depends on what's out in the bushes. And how fast you can eat. And if you are good at stories. So, in or out?

4 - Washing Your Butt In The Creek

OK, we all know the rules, but some rules are more equal than others. Like they say cleanliness is next to godliness. Want to argue that one, Buster?

Sure, it makes a difference whose butt is being washed.

And whether your drinking water comes from upstream or downstream. And which end of this butt you are on.

And if anyone is around to see you. So, in or out?

5 - Lying About Your Mileage

Maybe you're thinking that lying is always bad. If so, when bedtime comes, think about standing up all night.


And if you "slip up" and "accidentally" switch to kilometers you can multiply your miles by two and round up, and sound extra gnarly. Who said the metric system was no good? Some dope, right?

You're a hiker after all, and you're damn tired and you can't always remember how to carry the semicolon or whatever the hell they use in that metric stuff anyway, and who cares? So, in or out?

6 - Sleeping 10 In A Motel Room

This is for long distance hikers and party animals.

Generally, long distance hikers (or thru-hikers) are just about the most tedious, boring, dead-headed, dull-witted, ho-hum, irksome, slow, uninteresting, wearying, and least fun people in the world.

But cheap. So they often try this.

Does that justify splitting the cost of a $75 motel room 10 ways? Or would you rather party with some actual humans who scratch less and don't snore? Just sayin. So, in or out?