Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Five Tips For Staying Alive

Look out for Number One.

Number 5 On The Countdown

Don't catch anything.

OK, fishing is fine, mostly, but if you pull in one with teeth bigger than your toes, you could be on the wrong continent, or your technique is off.

Most people, when they have any technique at all, have the bad kind, and all they get is mosquito bites and maybe sunburn. You, you're too far off the other way.

Most important, when you're not fishing, be careful around your hamster. If you have a rat instead, this also applies.

Remember, these critters are used in medical research for a reason, because when you're done with them you can just drop them in the garbage disposal and nobody cares.

But the other reason is they catch anything you can. And if they catch it they can give it back to you.

So no more kissing on the lips.

Number 4 On The Countdown

If you are of Caucasian descent, you are likely to die. If not now, then later. This has been documented by science.

So, some tips to prolong your stay are in order. Like avoiding scorpions.

Scorpions, as you may not be aware, are notoriously difficult to reason with, so if you find one in your pants, then offering it a bite of your sandwich — meh. Too little, too late, especially if your sandwich has mustard on it. Mustard sends scorpions into stinging frenzies.

Another good bet, avoidance-wise, is crocodiles.

No matter how cuddly they look, each and every one of them seems to have a permanent "bad attitude" thing and may take an arm or leg home with them for the heck of it. Without the rest of you.

Don't let this kind of thing ruin your day.

Poisonous birds? Once bitten, twice shy, if not dead. OK?

Number 3 On The Countdown

Being in the South may kill you. Meaning the southern United States. No one knows why. It could be the cooking. Or the slower pace of life may be too stressful. Anyway, now you know. Stick to Michigan.

Number 2 On The Countdown

Mammals.

Almost all mammals are smart enough to be dangerous, and some have been to college.

They can learn tricks, and an especially nasty one is cheating at poker. Remember that painting of the dogs playing cards? Each and every one was cheating.

If you see a dog with a gun, keep still, especially if it has a cigar in its mouth, and a weak hand. Dogs can't see you unless you move, except if you smell like food.

Also, never hoot at a moose. Some really crazy things have been known to happen.

Number 1 On The Countdown

Steer clear of backpackers.

Not the dizzy flipflop-wearing drunk looney-tunes on summer break, but the ones who sleep in the dirt. These tend to be highly infectious.

Most victims are close friends or even family members. Simply watching a backpacker preparing for a trip can have irreversible results.

First you watch, then you talk, and then, before anybody knows what's happening, you've gone over to the other side.

Oh, true, some do come back, apparently alive, but permanently mentally damaged after a summer of hiking. They never again return to what they once were.

Never.

More: The Deadliest Animals In the United States

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