Wednesday, September 25, 2013

How?

Your questions answered.

If you ever go hiking or backpacking and, once you're out there you sort of stop and think "Hey – what do I do now?", well, there's an answer to that.

Like, for example, you're facing a terminal situation and you know that no matter what, you're going to bite it. So you should know How to Kiss Your Ass Goodbye.

And, if you are in this situation, and find that you have a little more time than you expected, there is How to Dig Your Own Grave.

But that's getting extreme. More likely you'll be wanting more common advice, like How to Have a Safe Camping Trip With Your Pet Rock, or How to Eat Worms.

(Note for those who don't like worms – see How to Attract a Centipede.)

(Extra note if you have a big appetite – see How to Trap and Eat Texas.)

If successful at mastering the above techniques, but still alive, and still lost, then plan for a longer stay. For that you'll need info on more permanent accommodations – and someone has already been there, so check out How to Make a Cave to Live In.

Once you have a cozy hidey-hole, you'll need to get around and do errands without attracting attention. For that, there's How to Become a Master of Stealth and Hiding, which is handy when your camping permit expires.

Tired of centipedes and worms? How about some help getting tastier calories in the form of How to Steal Cheese and Not Get Caught. But what if you're allergic to dairy products? Well, in that case, refer to How to Eat a Pony.

And if you find yourself out after dark, be sure you know how to handle it by memorizing How to Defend Yourself Against a Velociraptor. (Word to the wise – memorize it before you need it.)

Once home again in your snug cave, you might find that you have an unexpected house guest. (We all do from time to time.) So be prepared by knowing How to Live With a Raccoon Under Your Bed. And if that strange, high-pitched sound keeps you both awake, then educate yourself on How to Silence a Potato.

After several months of wandering around, eating worms and stinking, you may accidentally find your way back home. (To your real home.) If so, you'll want to fit in again, which might be hard if you've forgotten what it was like, so try this one – How to Appear to Be Human.

But getting home is sometimes harder than expected, so be sure you know How to Survive a Butterfly Attack, How to Fend off a Giant Squid, and How to Fight a Unicorn.

And of course, once home again, after a nice bath, and before going out, be sure to refresh yourself on How to Recognize a Pair of Pants.

More:

Image based on the work of Estrilda (Anastasia Kalenkovich).

2 comments :

  1. Is there one about how to get people to post more comments on your blog?

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  2. Be titillating, I think, though even thinking about something like that makes me blush. In fact I have my head under a pillow right this very moment so no one can see me all red and embarrassed. Plus, I got glue in my hair due to an excess of enthusiasm while working on a very secret project I'm not supposed to even think about, and then stuck my head under the pillow to see what would happen in case I suddenly got embarrassed and had to stick my head under a pillow, and here I am, blushing and glued tight. The way things are looking now, it might take six or eight weeks before things loosen up. That's when I molt again, so I'll be lying low for a while. I hope this makes sense.

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