Saturday, November 16, 2013

Uses For String

Theory meets practice.

If you're a cat, you know about string – that mysterious substance that stays still while moving, and moves when staying still – endlessly fascinating, and irresistible, like mice, which is saying a lot.

If you're a backpacker, things aren't that different. String is fascinating for you too, because it's both useful and spooky. And on those days when the weather is bad – bad enough to keep you in your already-stinky sleeping bag – string is a doorway to entertainment if handled properly.

For example, instead of lying there and picking your nose all day, you can practice your knots.

Knots are essential. They keep your shoes attached to your feet. Keep tents attached to the earth. Provide that critical last line of defense in food hanging – forget that knot and your food comes crashing down again and again – haven't we all been there?

You need knots, so get some string and play until you know all you need to.

Say you got up at night to water the shrubbery and lost your tent? Well, my friend, you probably tried winging it without string, and ended up in the wrong county. That is seriously wrong. If this problem persists, sign up for one of our easy-peasy seminars, like "String Basics", or "Intro to Whizzing".


Free tip: Tie one end of a string to your tent, and the other to any handy body part. If you feel a painful tug, you've gone out to the far edge, so reel yourself back in. If you feel dumb doing this, you're definitely a noob. All the pros do it, so wise up and get with the program.

How do you think people hike the Intercontinental Divide Trail without disappearing in the dark like campfire sparks? String. And we can teach you effective string technique.

Course requirements.

  • String (Provided.)
  • You (Bring yourself. If you can't get up, we'll send a guy to poke you with a stick.)
  • Ignorance (Handy, but optional.)
  • Willingness to learn (Also optional but helpful. See next item.)
  • Cash (Only $299.95, and you get a framed certificate. Course may be repeated as often as you like, as long as you've got the dough.)

Too advanced for that one? Try our week-long retreat on String Theory.

What's covered:

  • What is string anyway?
  • Where did string come from? (A short history that ties up all the loose ends.)
  • What kinds of string are out there?
  • String colors and the knots that work with them.
  • Which end to tie where?
  • Buying tips.
  • Bosons, quantum chromodynamics, and entanglement – the real story.
  • Shoelaces: Special case, or variation on a theme?
  • String and pegging: For tents only, or fun adult entertainment option?
  • Effective swearing. (When all else fails.)

To summarize, We're here for you, whenever you give up and admit that string wrangling really is above your pay grade. For info, email: