Wednesday, December 31, 2014

10 Backpacking Resolutions For The Coming Year.

I'll do it so you don't have to.

  1. Bring a map next time.

    This sounds obvious, but the obvious thing is often wrong. According to those in the know.

    Like "Everything Mom taught you about drinking pesticides is wrong," and "All you ever learned about keeping dynamite in your trunk is wrong." Well sometimes it isn't.

    Speaking as someone who spent a solid week finding his way home from the city park across town, I'd say go with that map is a needless crutch mindset if you want, but ease into it.

    I know I will. From here on out. If I can find my way home again so I can put it on my ToDo list.

  2. Before camping somewhere, I'm getting permission.

    It's not fun waking up to find a 2000-candlepower beam from a BushBurner Tactical Everlight punching you in the eyes, and a 12-gauge shotgun poking you in the nose. And an angry beefy guy doing the yelling.

    In the past this was mainly for camping on private land, but these days there are lots of jumpy guys with badges running around too. So maybe get permission first, and don't count on apologizing later.

    When stealth camping works, it works, but when it doesn't — hoboy. I hate getting my tent shot up.

  3. I'll wait longer before climbing on the latest trend.

    With that in mind, I'm ditching the hiking turban.

    And I'll never ever even think about wearing one and a hiking kilt any more. Not at the same time. (See previous note about people with badges.)

  4. No more camping next to bears.

    These guys are not as cute as they look. No way. They're sloppy eaters, and they fart a lot. Along with a bunch of other bad habits.

  5. I'll think about getting a job.

    I can use the money, for one thing. And it might help me with Number Six, which is...

  6. Get a girlfriend. Even a crummy one.

    It's lonely out here. I'm not fussy any more. I'd even put up with your cat. Really. Call me. I'm always home. Alone.

  7. Lose weight.

    Everyone else does, so why can't I?

    So all those backpackers who go and and scarf down a half-gallon of ice cream? For a appetizer? And then eat two dinners on their way to the hospital for intravenous feeding to fight off starvation?

    Not me. I'm still waddling. Go figure.

    Starting next week it's two laps around the park every other week. Not just one. No matter how long it takes to go around twice. Then we'll see what happens.

  8. Stop procrastinating.

    Pretty soon now.

(9 & 10) Eh. Time for a break. TV, a beer, and a plate of nachos. I'm tired. I'll work on the rest next year.