Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Definitions: Alien Abduction (updated)

This is not the kind of thing you normally plan for, but which sometimes happens to hikers in remote areas, generally around dusk.

For some reason or other.

If you hear a strange rattling buzz and your arm hairs start to tingle, then try ducking under cover, though it may already be too late. They're pretty good at locating the people they want, which may be you. Even if you haven't had a bath in the last two weeks.

But try hiding anyway.

If you were just contentedly gazing at the evening sky and then you suddenly find yourself bathed in a cone of white light, you are definitely S.O.L. (Surely Out of Luck). Even if you try ducking under that log.

Expect to be gently levitated upward into some sort of disk or saucer-shaped pod, and after that you can just about throw out the rule book. Control has definitely passed out of your hands.

While there really isn't much you can do it still pays to make as clean and presentable an appearance as possible. It couldn't hurt. Wear fresh undergarments. Bathe more often than twice a month.

Seriously. At least try to.

Always carry a small kit with a selection of essential toiletries such as toothpaste and deodorant, and maybe a small comb. Trim your nose hairs if at all possible.

Remember, these beings are much more advanced and refined than we are, even if they do have tentacles and/or bristles, and uncomfortable quantities of slime oozing from various places. They will look more favorably on you if you don't stink. And they are the ones with the ray guns.

If you are tidy, if you do behave, and especially if you seem to enjoy the probing and so on, they may let you snap a few photos, so be sure to include a small camera in your kit and remain alert for opportunities.

Aside from a few lingering sore spots if the probing gets out of hand, the experience may not be too bad, and coming back with a bunch of photos could put you on easy street for the rest of your life.

On the other hand they may just eat you.

You really never know.

Play it by ear.

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