Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Definitions: Canoe Trail

Wanna learn sompin?

I got four definitions of this.

  • A canoe trail is a designated route for aqua blazing, though no such route holds paint especially well.

  • A canoe trail is one reserved for canoe use.

    Unfortunately, though canoes have good lateral and longitudinal stiffness and superb structural integrity they have no feet, muscles, or brains, and so these trails go unused.

    Canoes don't even know about them for crying out loud, because canoes are only empty, water-tight shells, yet thousands of trail-deprived hikers have to mill around in parking lots kicking gravel, waiting for their numbers to be called while all these so-called canoe trails sit idle and unused, quietly becoming overgrown and smothered by unlicensed shrubbery.

    A shame. Such a shame.

  • A canoe trail is a continuous meandering groove left in squishy mud, resembling the keel mark of a canoe that was dragged along, but look closer and you'll see giant three-toed tracks there as well, say one every 10 or 20 feet (3 to 7 m), on alternating sides of that groove.

    So that isn't where someone dragged a canoe for the heck of it, really, it's a (fresh) dinosaur track and the groove is where its meaty tail left a mark.

    Hey Bub, you've wandered way too far off the space-time continuum. Time to get back home before something weird happens. Something with teeth, standing there, looking at you. Thinking about lunch.

    Use a map next time, dope.

  • Canoe trails involve gloppy wet areas called lakes, connected by thinner, shallower gloppy wet areas called streams, which are used by guys named Pierre (who all have huge shoulders, bulging arm muscles, and wear berets) to paddle around by water, collecting the furry hides of innocent animals who never hurt anybody except at mealtimes when they eat each other.

    Real hikers call this cheating, this here kind of travel, but these Pierre guys can be a bunch of fun to watch when they run out of water and have to stand up on their tiny atrophied hind legs and wear their canoes on their heads and stagger between lakes, because that's when the animals close in, nibble them to death, and skin them for their hides in turn.

    Nuff said on that topic.

Source: how to talk in the woods.

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