Breaking news: Next-Level Technologies reveals next-level technology for the next level in outdoor stealth technology.
"Have fun, do stuff, be invisible," all great words to live by.
If you, like us, go camo whenever possible, even down to your underwear, then you might think about investing a few bucks into a Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo.
Sure, you've heard about "stealth camping", that hobby of penniless hikers, game poachers, and cheapskates of every stripe, and perhaps you've even done some, but have you gotten your fill? Maybe not, we're thinking. Maybe you'd really like to go full bore for once. Be top notch, top drawer, A-Number-One. Stand out in your field without standing out anywhere, ever.
This could be your chance.
What's a B2 bomber got that you don't? Besides nuclear weapons, and several jet engines, and a lot of excess weight? Well, even if you have some of your own excess weight?
Stealth.
That's it — stealth.
But can a B2 take a nap undetected in your average wheat field and live on mice and berries? Nope, not even.
But you can. If you want to.
Just send $39.99 and 17,000 box tops to Uncle Bob's Secret Hidey Hole & Conspiracy Scout Camp and within several months you will receive by return mail your very own Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo, complete with instructions and a field manual of dating and camping etiquette tips for the guy who has nothing but still wants to try maybe one last time.
Don't get invited to parties? Only a minor obstacle. Once you have your Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo, no one will be sure if they saw you there or not anyway.
Short on cash this week? Also not an issue. The Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo is great for trips to the grocery store, where you can grab whatever you need and then simply walk out — no one will see a thing. You can pay later on, as soon as you've found enough spare change on the sidewalks around town. Simple, simple, simple.
And if you ever do go backpacking (or even day hiking) but are a bit shy about that whole hitchhiking thing, well it's easier than you think. Find a car that's stopped, preferably at a gas station or cafe, and let yourself in. (Tip here — the back seat is your best bet, because any rustling noises your leaves make won't be so easy to hear.)
Sit quietly, try not to sneeze, and wait until you've gone somewhere. Where you end up doesn't really matter because no one will see you anyway, and if you keep trying, you're sure to find a nice town eventually. Then just get out and make yourself at home. Works every time and is totally stress free. No need for fidgeting or smalltalk. Silence is just silence, without any of the awkward parts (except for sneezing), and if you forget to climb out in time, well, you can stay with your host for a few days — hey, you're already friends, right?
Easy peasy.
FAQ
Q: Do I have to wash?
A: No, but your Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo (also known as a "ghillie suit") needs to be hosed down every now and then. Use cool water only. Agitate by hand. If any bugs float to the surface, don't eat them.
Q: How do I store my Tux then?
A: A cardboard box is fine — maybe even the one you already live in. If you do get a musty smell, try a bath. If the smell is from your your Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo, then maybe it's trying to tell you something, or learn to enjoy it. Either one works.
Q: Will this outfit suddenly burst into flames and end in an agonizing death?
A: Probably not. In fact, none of our customers has ever reported that they've died in this exact way. But if you are worried, even a little bit, try generously spraying your Stealuth™ Hiking Tuxedo with Flame-B-Gone and you might have a fighting chance if the worst happens. Should this induce mold growth, try a general-purpose fungicide.
Q: How long will my Tux last?
A: Well, assuming that you don't go up in flames first, probably longer than you can stand to think about it. In case of problems, see your usual therapist. Or you can write us. If we're still in business we'll think about sending a reply as long as you don't get all whiny. Good luck then.
Etc.
Ghillie Suit Warehouse - Your Ghillie Suit Experts in Camouflage
The Ghillie Suit Pros - Experts in Ghillie Suits for Camouflage
Ghillie images stolen from Red Rock Outdoor Gear and manipulated until they agreed to cooperate.
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See if that helps.