Shedding simplified.
Yep. Marketing has done gone and won.
You ask anybody what to do when it rains, and they say "gortecks", like a bug got caught in their throat, or they start swearing or something, and you ain't smart enough to catch up.
But after a while you do. I thought that flying saucer robot guy, that it was about him, Gort, and his former wife Techx, maybe. But not.
Not Gort and his ex but Randolph William Gort or something and his fancy cloth stuff, which he invented, and what was patented by his son R.W., and usually referred to by the name "Gore-Tex". Which explains the gortecks sound. For Gort Texnology I guess.
Anyway it's all about miracles and not getting wet. I always thought Randolph William Gort was the newspaper guy behind that whole Rosebud thing but stand corrected. He was a man obsessed by jackets. And pants. Outdoor stuff. Rainwear.
This is about rainwear.
Rainwear and miracles. And the miracle is waterproof-while-breathable (WPB), as seen from the inside, where you are. Put this on and you can hike about forever, stay dry, and not sweat nor suffer from rotting pits.
However, there is problems in Pitsville nevertheless. Like the waterproof part is OK. And the rest is...spotty. You wear some Tex de Gore clothes and you find out the meaning of 3% breathable. Which leaves the other 97% in the not-so-much category. Compared to what, you wonder, which is the main question, and the answer is prolly naked.
However hiking naked tends toward the chilly. And is not so dry neither.
There have been those that considered alternatives. Which are the usual: ponchos or jackets built like plastic bags, 10-gauge double-rubber-coated stinkwear, umbrellas, other miracle Texes, like eVentLess, H2Nope, NoCip, and so on. Or like going with regular clothes and dying quite soon and miserable. Or going bare naked, which is even worse for all sorts of reasons.
Though now you wonder about bears. And deer. And even raccoons. All in hair shirts, and somehow they get by. No Gort. No Tex. No Tex-Mex. Nothing fancy. So there must be a thing there, something going on.
Which might be the clue.
Here's what you can try, and prolly save money too. I'd like to see it. All you need is a family-size bottle of Hair-B-Thick Pelt Stimulator™ pills. And maybe some Nikwax for the finish. And disposable razors for afterward, when you need to go in to the office again.
Hair-B-Thick Pelt Stimulator™
- Stimulates new growth, revives old growth.
- Promotes shinier, thicker, faster-growing hair and/or pelage.
- Works for women and men and so on.
- Effective for all pelt types.
- Doctor-formulated.
- Gluten-free.
Start with the pills a couple weeks before hiking season. After you get a nice even coat started (at least an inch, all over), brush it every night. And use a good quality pet wash. This will keep it glossy.
Then, the night before your trip, massage in a bottle of Nikwax, let 'er dry, and then rinse.
That should do for a week. And now you can hike naked too if you want. By this point no one can tell anyhow. And due to the fur, you won't need a heavy sleeping bag or extra clothes. While hiking, if you seem to be taking on water, give yourself a good dog shake and you ought to be fine.
Cons:
- Spooking other backpackers, but quite a few are naturally hairy so this is nothing new.
- Spooking day hikers (like we care).
- Unfortunate incidents during hunting season. (Be sure to dye yourself bright orange first.)
- Getting cited for excessive shedding.
Might be worth a try. You go first. Send pictures. Keep off the sofa.
Have extra info to add? Send email to sosayseff@gmail.com
See if that helps.
Me? Trying to figure out who sent me a gift bag of cockroaches.