Ten tips from the experts.
1. Don't panic unless you are chilled.
Why waste your breath running around? Exercise sucks anyway. Unless you are chilled that is. Then, if you are chilled, really chilled, it is OK to run around.
Or instead you can dance. Ever thought of that?
Dance to the funky beat of your racing heart. No one is there to laugh at you, so why not? You're lost, remember? Practice until you are an expert, then moon walk your way home and attain fame and glory. This is your time to shine, my friend!
If you can't dance without lyrics, then memorize this simple upbeat song before your next trip:
When in trouble!
When in doubt!
Run in circles!
Scream and shout!
2. Stand still and look around carefully.
Obvious but often missed, and less like exercise than dancing, so it could be even more fun.
Look, and if you see someone you know, you are not lost, they are! At worst you have found a source of spare clothes and protein, maybe some pocket change. Meanwhile there's someone to talk to.
3. Stay in one place.
If you move you will lose your place in the rescue queue and have to start over. A real pisser if you are hungry, so stay put. No one likes a loser. Try humming, or swearing vengeance at God or whatever. Shaking your fist at the sky works sometimes. Thunderbolts aimed at you will at least show you which way is up.
4. Signal your location.
First, it helps to know where you are, but if you knew that you wouldn't have to signal that you are lost, so try signaling then. Signaling is always a terrific Plan B and will look good on your resume.
Start small, with hand gestures. If there is direct sunlight and a smooth surface nearby, make shadow puppets. Shadow puppets attract children, whose parents are sure to be near. Find a parent with a large car, and hide in it. When home again, pretend you fell asleep in the back and offer a few bucks for gas. Cash-strapped parents always appreciate a little help.
5. Start scouting your area.
This is a long shot if you flunked scouting the first time, but you are getting desperate by now, so give it a try. Scouting was invented to keep not-so-bright boys out of trouble so it is perfect for you because:
(1) No thinking, no headaches, and;
(2) If it works you are automatically out of trouble, and
(3) Bonus here, you will probably look good in one of those crisp and cute little uniforms, with the scarf and all. Maybe!
6. Find or create shelter.
A cave is great but may be occupied already.
Get a long stick and poke around in the cave until you hear a loud growl. Then try the next cave over. They can't all be full of bears!
If you find a cave full of bats instead, then make fur clothes from their hides, and a fur-lined sleeping bag too, and you'll be comfy. Little-known fact — bat fur is the warmest there is, though it takes lots of stitching, so here's hoping you're up to date on your sewing skills!
If you find a cave occupied by homeless people, promise to send help if they'll give you some food. They always fall for this.
7. Find a good source of water.
This can be a tough one, since in the woods there are no brand names, and even bottles are scarce. But keep looking. You'll find one eventually.
When you do, fill it from the nearest stream and you're all set. If it's not your favorite brand, so what? Find another bottle and change brands. So simple.
When there are no streams around, try lapping dew from butterfly wings.
8. Purify your water.
There is no water purer than the tears of angels, but butterfly dew is a damn close second, so no sweat.
9. Build a fire.
And if you can't build one from scratch, steal one. No one counts coals any more. Act nonchalant, like you're just wandering by. A smile and a nod are often enough to distract.
After you have grabbed your coals, look for wood. Trees are a good bet. Try there.
When you have a mound of wood as high as a man and as wide as the sky, go back to that first cave with the bear in it. Pile the wood in front of it, blocking the entrance. To help things along, sprinkle a little gasoline on top and wait. It can take a while, so now is a great time to practice your dance moves. Pretend the howling is a punk band, and you are on stage in the warm, warm spotlight.
When the flames abate, guess what? Roast bear!
10. Find safe food.
Most healthy adults can survive up to three weeks without food but why bother? You have a whole bear! Remove the head, legs, and wings and eat the rest. You deserve it, and it will keep you strong and make you smell good.
But is it safe, you ask. Of course! You just cooked it!
When satiated, rub any leftover fat into your hair and over all your skin, to prevent chapping and to repel mosquitoes. If you've gotten tired of your bat outfit, make a fresh one using the bear hide, which is now nicely de-furred.
After you've had enough of this, return to the campground, get in your car, and drive home.
Have extra info to add? Send email to sosayseff@gmail.com
See if that helps.
Me? Exploring exercise as a spectator sport.