Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Definitions: Woods

Woods

(1) Plural of wood, which is a hard, fibrous substance found inside trees, and is not good to eat. Why anyone ever looked inside a tree for food is unknown.

(2) More than one wood, in the sense of many, as in many trees gathered together for weddings, funerals, or to plan attacks on nearby villages, after which they customarily feast on the dead.

(3) A small forest, usually no taller than ankle-height, especially if you are very tall.

(4) Weald, wold, woodland, timberland, copse, woodlot, etc. I.e., only stuff that creepy boring old guys would find interesting, even a little.

(5) Natural habitat of the bushwhacker, a rarely seen biped having a thick neck and powerful arms that it uses to tussle with and whack shrubbery, its natural enemy. Often travels armed.

The bushwacker is sometimes referred to as the "neck of the woods", because of its identifying feature, though its monobrow is also pronounced, as is its attraction to neckties hand-painted with pictures of fish or many-antlered animals.

The bushwhacker is frequently mistaken for sasquatch (bigfoot), or the orangutan (hairy wild man of the woods), but these latter two are exclusively quiet deep-forest creatures who spend their days obsessively picking lint from mosses and lichens, while the bushwacker is not at all indisposed to cavorting in glades and napping in warm sunny spots when fatigue overtakes it, when not shooting at random things.

The orangutan is also confined to the tropics, while the sasquatch, of more temperate zones, is easily recognized by its haggard, careworn appearance due to an inability to successfully negotiate a satisfactory contract with any of the reality television companies.

However, all three of these creatures should be regarded as dangerous because of their wild, savage, and untamed natures, which keep them forever reckless and ungovernable, liable at any moment to tear at things with their great, sturdy teeth. Approach with caution, or not at all. And it is advisable to never, ever point at any of them while snickering.

 


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Me? Still trying to get the splinters out of my teeth.