Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Yellowstone Fish Safe To Eat

Most likely -- testing to continue, just in case.

Yellowstone Fish Safe, But Some Oil Found, read the headline after the Mega-Omni Corp., Inc. crude oil spill.

"No oil was found in meat from dozens of fish taken to our laboratory for testing," said R. J. Suit, spokesman for Mega-Omni Corp., Inc. "Yes, small amounts of crude oil were detected in the livers and gonads of some of the fish," but who eats those anyway?" he continued.

"In summary," Mr. Suit said, "we believe the evidence is clear that any so-called 'contamination' could theoretically harm the health of fish if they insist on staying in the river, but people who catch and eat these fish will be perfectly safe as far as we are concerned. And we prefer to avoid saying 'crude oil'. Let's agree to call it 'Job Creating Free Enterprise Fuel and Lubrication Substances', shall we?"

"We will continue testing fish from the Yellowstone River to be absolutely sure that all is well," he said before returning to the company bunker.

HI Dave,

My name is P Vini Drivik and I am a recruiting specialist with Mega-Omni Corp., Inc. Testing Labs.

We have several job opportunities with Mega-Omni Corp., Inc. Please let me know if you are interested.

Work Location: Montana, on the banks of the exciting Yellowstone River.

Job Description: Fish Gonad and Internal Organ Taster (temporary).

  • Are you passionate about tasting fish?
  • Do you wish to preserve Montana fishing and fish gonad eating for those who come after you?
  • Do you pride yourself as being somebody who can chew and swallow?
  • Do phrases like "fish livers" and "fish gonads" excite you?
  • Do you like eating smallmouth bass, rainbow trout, and long-nose suckers?
  • Are you a supporter of Job Creating Free Enterprise Fuel and Lubrication Substances?

We are one of the largest multi-national producers of Job Creating Free Enterprise Fuel and Lubrication Substances, and have several (temporary) openings for energetic self-starters who are free to travel, enjoy a fast-paced work environment, need money, and have no next of kin.

Basic Qualifications

  • Must be able to pass a 7 year criminal background check.
  • Must be substance-free at the start of the assignment (including petroleum and petroleum byproducts).
  • Must provide proof of a voting record supporting Job Creating Free Enterprise Fuel and Lubrication Substances.
  • Bachelor's Degree in Biology, Geology, Product Testing/Development, Mechanical Engineering, Auto Repair, Art History, related field, or high school diploma, or evidence that you can recognize a school if you see one.
  • 1+ years professional experience in fish tasting. (Note 1: Requirement waived on proving you can taste food. Note 2: This requirement can be met during your interview.)
  • Proficiency in at least one language. (Recognizable hand gestures qualify!)
  • Ability to backpack in to work locations, camp, and remain awake during business hours (4 a.m. through 10 p.m., Monday thru Sunday) while chewing and swallowing.
  • A pulse for the duration of the work assignment.

If you are interested (And we think you should be!), please email your resume to: P VINI DRIVIK PRADEEP, Lubrication Tasting Recruitment Specialist, at the Mega-Omni Corp., Inc. Testing Labs.

Special Additional Requirement

At the end of your work assignment you must be willing to participate in an employer-sponsored autopsy, after which your body will be cremated. Sure, sounds extreme, but this is almost like free medical care, and you are eligible for bonus pay too. Plus, you get the whole day off!

More: Yellowstone Fish Safe, But Some Oil Found