Saturday, September 3, 2011

God Set To Punish Pacific Northwest

Weekend to be warm, sunny. Temps in the 70s and 80s. No relief in sight.

Disheartening forecast

Cliff Mass, a professor of atmospheric sciences at the University of Washington was quoted today as saying "It's going to be great."

Dr. Mass, it should be noted, works in an air conditioned bunker, well shielded from direct sunlight by that structure's thick, opaque walls.

"Oh and with all the talk of hurricanes on the East Coast, what about West Coast hurricanes? We get 'em," he continued. But not this weekend, ladies and gentlemen.

We will be nowhere near so lucky.


This weekend temperatures will soar into the danger zone, hitting the 70s (70s Fahrenheit / 20s Celsius).

And that is only the beginning.

No relief in sight

"Computer models show it will climb back into the mid-80s through next week into the following weekend," said Dr. Mass, safe in his cool dim retreat.

Widespread panic is projected throughout the region.

Hordes of locals will stampede into the mountains, flooding trails and campgrounds in a desperate attempt to escape the region's cities, which will all become virtual death traps.

A few still cling to hope. They hope to remain alive and repopulate the area after this holocaust, but most have resigned themselves to their fate.

Mass death almost certain

"Expect these morning clouds to clear out and to have a sweltering long weekend - and through the next week as well."

These are clearly not words to live by.

God, once believed to be responsible for everything, even the bad stuff, could not be reached for comment.

There are rumors afoot that the Deity is at work on entirely new and more robust critters, whole new species capable of withstanding extended exposure to temperatures above 60 degrees F.

Biologists only raise their eyebrows at this, regarding the idea as raving lunacy at best. No known life forms can currently exist at such temperatures, and that capability is almost inconceivable, given our current understanding of biology.

Yes, there may be a slim possibility of life continuing on earth, but it likely will not be us.

So good luck there.

The full report.

Audio file mp3.

Regional weather map.

Video: How Cliff Mass forecasts the weather.