Wednesday, September 14, 2011

If Moose Could Fly

They wouldn't need to drink.


Animal type: Mammalian quadruped.

Scientific name: Alces alces. (With seven subspecies.)

Size and weight: Adults are 1.8–2.1 m (6–7 feet) high at the shoulder. Males weigh 380–720 kg (850–1580 pounds), and females weigh 270–360 kg (600–800 pounds).

Geographical distribution: Northern North America and northern Eurasia.

Diet: Plants.

Habitat: Arboreal.

Disposition: Moose-like. Reacts poorly to nose jokes. When harassed or startled by people, moose may charge irresponsibly, which is why they are no longer issued credit cards.

Drug of choice: Alcohol, in naturally fermented fruit.

Favorite animal pals: Flying squirrels.

Favorite hobbies: Getting drunk while perched, napping.

Least likely to succeed at: Being a cavalry mount, which was tried in Sweden, the land of dark mystery. And there are not many things more intimidating than a moose with a heavily-armed Swede on top. But there were problems, like getting into the saddle without a stepladder. And moose were said to get frequently stuck in bogs, and fall over when drunk, so that didn't work.

Second least likely occupation: Delivering mail. Also in Sweden. Moose tended to eat mail rather than deliver it, and spend down time licking stamps and trying to hang by their tongues from trees. How do you get a drunk moose out of a tree when its tongue is like super-glued to the bark?

Scientific questions remaining: What is it about Swedes and moose anyway?


Drunken moose ends up stuck in Swedish apple tree.