Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Man Encounters Cartoon

Fry me up a beeper, Fred.

Well, it was supposed to be just a stop on my trip, but it turned into a real adventure.

Now I'm being sued by Looney Tunes and I don't get it.

See, I'm a sport hunter. A real one. When I heard that Texas ruled Bigfoot was fair game for anyone with a gun, and no bag limit or possession limit or anything, hey, that was for me.

And I was already on vacation, so why not swing by there and give it a shot?

So I pull into this quiet, remote campground in the Tonto National Forest in Arizona, see, and I set up my tent and all, and it's all cool. No one else there, which is how I like it. Then, in the early evening just as the worst of the heat is draining away, things get weird.

First it's this "Beep-Beep" noise here and there.

Then I see this streak of dust going around and around in the sagebrush, zooming all over.


After a while it slows down, whatever it is, and there's this tall goofy cartoon bird standing there looking at me.

Then it goes "Beep-Beep" again and vanishes like it has a rocket up its butt. And there's that trail of dust. You know, like an airplane going across the sky - whatever you call those things. But this was dust. Down on the ground. Snaking all over hell and gone.

And then the next thing, the dog goes off. Growling and snarling and holy crap he's never done that before, and then I'm looking around and all of a sudden there's this other cartoon thing coming through the bushes on rocket powered roller skates or something. About seven feet tall. Just roars right by at around 800 miles an hour.

And then the bird comes back my way, doing that crazy "Beep-Beep" thing, and then right behind him is this goofy scary sort of a coyote thing but all cartoony if you know what I mean. And he's on these rocket-powered roller skates, and I see he's headed right for us.


So what could I do?

I had to do something so I pick up my skillet.

It was right there and all because I was just starting to make supper, so I pick up the skillet and take a swing at this giant cartoon coyote thing roaring right through my campsite and I nail him. Kill him dead.

But just to be sure I put a few rounds into his skull as well. Good thing I always carry a sidearm. It's the American Way, damn straight, and I needed it right then like nobody's business.

So that's when it all really breaks loose.

You wouldn't believe how fast I got swarmed by lawyers. It's like there was one behind every bush, and they all wanted a piece of my hide. I guess you can hunt Bigfoot in Texas but you can't kill a cartoon coyote in Arizona, not even in self defense.

I should have known when I laid eyes on him. There is only one Wile E. Coyote.

Or was.

I killed him. I'm not ashamed to say that. It was him or me.

My court date is next week. Looney Tunes is suing me for $178 million for assault, battery, contributory negligence, infliction of emotional distress, ultrahazardous activity, being a public nuisance, restraint of trade, and economic damages. Plus more, I'm sure.

And all I really wanted to do was plug me a Bigfoot in peace and go home again and hang the hide on the wall.


Texas Says It Is Legal To Kill Bigfoot: Go there.

Rabid mountain lion in attack mode no match for Chino Valley man and his frying pan: Go there.