St. Helens to host world's largest lava lamp.
Release Date: Mar 01, 2013
Today Gifford Pinchot National Forest Supervisor Janey Ashfutz officially announced the privatization of Mt St Helens with the appointment of Andrew Mason, recently fired Groupon CEO.
"Words cannot express how excited I am to bring aboard such an experienced manager," said Ashfutz.
"Or how pleased I am to be dumping this pile of dirt. Under the expert guidance of Mr Mason Mt St Helens National Volcanic Monument can be turned into something special - a high-class tourist trap.
"It is my firm belief that only the private sector can make this place interesting. God knows, we've failed at every turn.
"No matter how many signs we put up, it's still a landscape, and mostly dirt besides. No one wants landscapes anymore, especially depressing dirty ones without fun rides, and the Forest Service is much more interested in selling logging rights, which don't exist here. Duh."
Acting Monument Manager, Bob Temp, appointed only last month, will fill in until Mason and his new employer, LLamp Inc., can take over operations sometime in May.
LLamp, holder of 1187 patents on every possible kind of Lava Lamp ™, will be funding the changeover from public monument to private theme park.
"In fact, we've got so many patents and trademarks going on, we can charge you for just thinking about anything vaguely shaped like a Lava Lamp ™," said LLamp CEO Wayne Zoots. "So hey, since we're going to charge you anyway, you might as well come by and have some beer and pizza, hit the Ferris wheel and the Whirly-Thing, and get your picture taken in front of the Big Bubbly One ™ - it won't cost that much more, and EEE-ZEE Financing, Inc. will have a kiosk right on-site," he added.
Immediately following this announcement, current Monument officials, government pooh-bahs, and representatives of LLamp Inc. held a ribbon cutting ceremony consisting of pouring a dollop of Proprietary Red-Orange LL-Goo ™ into a champagne glass and setting it on fire.
After that sputtered out and quit smoking, corporate representatives and others made themselves available for a few background comments.
CEO Zoots: "We see the St Helens LLamp ® as a thing that's going to have this irresistible pull. People are going to see it and say, 'What is that?'"
Chief Engineer Randy Dornab: "The St Helens LLamp ® will use parts from K-Mart's short-lived 'One Lamp to Rule' project, started in Cleveland about 16 years back. It still looks pretty good, considering it's been out in the weather all this time. But that means it should fit right in with all this dirt."
Randle, WA Mayor Walt Wankler: "My City Council is excited by the project. We immediately agreed to get on board. We've always wanted something like this to put Randle on the map, where it belongs. A plain old volcano - what's that worth? The world has plenty of volcanoes, but a gigantic Lava Lamp ™ - that's really something there.
Andrew Mason: "After four and a half intense and wonderful years as CEO of Groupon, I said I wanted to spend more time with my family, but no one believes that one any more, so I might as well do this, right? Hey, I need an income. Want some two-for-one coupons?"
Rumor has it that LLamp Inc. also envisions an interpretive trail running parallel to the lamp's power cord, explaining how the lamp works, why it's interesting, and what it's cultural significance is reported to be. Geology, history, and the rest will be left out because that's boring, and not bright red-orange and goopy.
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