Thursday, March 7, 2013

Unnaturally Relaxed

Stinky too.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The bison has been a symbol of the Old West. It's been featured on the nickel, as a name for sports teams, and all kinds of stuff.

Legislation has been introduced to make the bison the national mammal.

Meanwhile, everything else continues to hit the fan.

Something needs to be done.

And Congress may have a solution to that too.

Starting next year we may see a summer-long national hunting season on backpackers.

No one likes a smartass, and Congress has declared that the root of all U.S. problems is the hordes of shifty, homeless slackers and goof-offs who wander around all summer, flouting the basic principles of The American Way, which is working hard and worrying a lot, driving cars, and watching TV.

Backpackers make us all nervous because they're so much not like that.

And who knows what they're up to out there. Right?

If you, a decent citizen, can barely keep up, let alone get ahead any more, the last thing you want to know about is a bunch of seedy, jobless-by-choice carefree losers tramping back and forth endlessly on trails (which the rest of us paid for, by the way).

These people contribute nothing to our raging, screaming political theater, let alone the tax rolls.

This means they must be anti-American, and the best solution to that, as to all problems, is to start shooting.

Hey - it worked in Iraq and Afghanistan. No one can deny that. It's proven, time-tested, and pretty soon you can join in.

If firepower keeps down other varmints, well, it'll work on backpackers too. They don't move that fast, so even Granny can have some fun.

Rep. Pete Feedle: "At one point in American history, backpackers were put on display at world's fairs, and even during the U.S. Bicentennial celebration. People thought of them as rugged individualists, and we all like thinking about that. Problem is, backpackers are rugged individualists. You can't make them do a damn thing. They just wander around like there's no bills due tomorrow or anything. What the hell kind of life is that?"

Cindy Huffer of People for Varmints, Etc. somewhat surprisingly welcomed the idea of a hunting season on backpackers. "No fur, no fun. Even rats deserve the chance to live a long and productive life. Backpackers? No. Sure, some of them are fuzzy, but not in a good way, especially the females, and they don't squeak when you squeeze them. I say open fire. Now."

Congress votes next Thursday, God willing.


Bison -- a 'symbol' of U.S. strength -- may become national mammal