Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Camping Packing

Stuffing your friends.

Essentials for Wilderness Survival, Part 10: Safety in numbers.

One thing you'll notice if you ever go backpacking is that you are all alone. This is why you should...

  • Never go backpacking, or
  • Don't go alone.

Going backpacking can cause many problems. Among these are the loss of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, or other things. This happens because when you are alone there is no one to look out for you and tell you how to do it right, or what dangerous parts to skip. And there is no one to blame if you go ahead and do it anyway.

Besides, being alone all the time is boring, like watching reruns on TV. You should never be alone, even at home watching TV. If you are alone, no one knows what you are getting up to, and it could be something bad.

Better to take a camping pack everywhere you go and keep out of trouble.

A camping pack is a special device for camping and packing, or, sometimes, the other way around. Some normal parts for a camping pack are the pack, and the back, and the other stuff. It is all very simple. First you put things in and then you take them out again, but only while standing still. It requires a special license to do this while moving and may cause accidents, so leave that for the experts. You are only trying to have fun anyway, not be in the news under "Other Incidents".

Now, the next thing you may ask is "How can a camping pack make me be not lonely?" Well, it is very straightforward. There is a military pack called ALICE, and another one called MOLLE, but they are very large and heavy and military-like, so best to try something in a smaller size, like the JANET, or even the KIRSTEN.

They come in nice colors too, but for all-around survival benefits, plus getting your spirits lifted, there is nothing better than the BARBIE pack.

This is true. Barbie the Doll has been around for ages and has all the accessories you could possibly need for wilderness survival, including that famous BARBIE pack of hers. And then the friends. Barbie has lots of friends.

Barbie's best-known friend is Ken (who is really Ken Carson — kind of a little-known secret), but there is also Blaine, an Australian surfer who sort of hung around for a while and who we're not really sure of in the same way we're not too sure about Ken, but this is about Barbie, so get over it.

Barbie is really kind of bitchen when you get to know her. She drives a pink Corvette convertible and can handle a jeep with the best of them. She has a pilot's license and flies commercial airliners while being a flight attendant during some of the quieter moments. Can you do that?

During her life Barbie has had over 40 pets like cats and dogs, horses, a panda, a lion cub, and a zebra. How about you? Same answer?

And clones. There's Miss Astronaut Barbie, Doctor Barbie, and Nascar Barbie. And friends. She has lots: Hispanic Teresa, Midge, African American Christie, Steven (Christie's boyfriend). And relatives like Barbie's siblings and cousins Skipper, Todd, Stacie, Kelly, Krissy, and Francie.

And best of all, there's room in the BARBIE pack for all of them. How many is that now? Plenty! You'll never have to worry about being unpopular or going suicidal from loneliness when you have your BARBIE pack along, and all your plastic friends, because there's always someone to talk to. Even if you get into an argument with one of them, you still have others handy. And if it gets really bad, just pull somebody's head off until they promise to behave.

But of course, things aren't always easy. Sometimes it has to to beyond conversation and quiet overnight snuggling. Which is when Barbie's physical characteristics come in handy. With a body of acrylonitrile butadiene styrene (ABS), and a head of polyvinyl chloride (PVC), Barbie's energy density is right up there.

Same with all her friends and relatives. So when sacrifices are necessary, Barbie burns like that proverbial roman candle. Pile her up with all her friends and relatives and torch the lot if you need a massive signal fire, or combust them one at a time and huddle close for warmth. Either way you'll find that your new friends are there for you when you need them.

And you can always buy more.