Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Poke Me If It's Real

Well, it happened. Applied Fruit, Inc. (NYSE symbol APPL), well known for whisper-light and innovative products of impeccable design, announced it this week — the iPick.

"It's the most personal consumer product ever made, because it's the first one that can be stuck into your body."

And exclusive because only backpackers will want one, probably.

No — it isn't an ice ax. You won't chop steps in snow or brittle frozen slopes with it. It's not for breaking rocks. It's more personal than that.

The iPick from APPL, at first glance, seems to be a simple gray metal toothpick, but it's probably smarter than you. Because it's got electronics and stuff. And design. Lots of impressive design.

The Basics.

So, of course, like everything else these days, the iPick is a two-way communicator to phone home with (having small hands helps). And if the battery goes dead, you can use your iPick to pin messages to the nearest carrier pigeon, so your trailside sonnets and blog posts will still reach the outside world in time.

Need a compass? Check. Built-in GPS assures you that your toothpick knows where it is. To use, just drop it gently into a mug of coffee, let it adjust to the liquid's surface tension, and watch where it points itself. (iCoffee maker extra, plus the iMug, of course.)

Forget your fork? Is not a prob — iPick can skewer and expertly deliver to your mouth such comestibles as meatballs, or in fact practically any other semi-lumpy food you have to eat. Post-prandially, as you'd expect, you can use iPick to remove any stubborn bits from between your chompers. And guess what? it beeps peevishlyif it finds any stray bugs stuck back in there.

For more medically-oriented concerns, iPick will also pry ticks out of your hide, pop blisters, function as a sewing needle, perform blood monitoring (when inserted into the skin), notify you if you're pregnant, and serve as a rectal thermometer. (Blunt end first. Remember that.).

Got pests? Relax. iPick kills mice dead. The add-on dart blower and a few dabs of APPL™ brand Mouse-B-Gone™ ultralight curare will take care of the rascals so you can sleep in peace. Mouse plonking is also a great game for those days when the weather discourages hiking, and iPick will likewise keep a running tally and remember your score for you — no thinking needed, not even a little.

And if it comes to that, if you're caught somewhere impossible, or just can't stand getting out of bed for another day of the same old hiking, simply assemble your MouseBlaster blowgun and inhale. So simple yet so effective, and since you're a backpacker, hardly anyone will miss you anyway.


  • Pricing: $349 (Sport Edition), $1049 (Thru-Hiker), $10,000 (Triple-Crowner)
  • Colors: Titanium Silver (Sport Edition), Titanium Space-Silver Gray with Sparkly Sparkles (Thru-Hiker), Bright Titanium Silver-Gray with Sparkly Purple Tail Fins (Triple-Crowner).
  • Construction: Solid titanium with Sekrit™ electronic stuff hidden inside, but mostly titanium. 99.99% inert, plus a few heavy metals (arsenic, lead, cadmium, mercury, chromium, cobalt, thallium, and other harmless elements).
  • Weight: 8 grams (without battery), 279 grams (with battery), 2956 grams (with iCoffee maker, iMug, and GPS compass activation kit).
  • Availability: April 1, 2015 — Get in line now!