Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Definitions: Flavonoids

Flavonoids comprise a group of naturally-occurring chemicals ("a class of plant and fungus secondary metabolites") which are pretty much the waste products of plants, but which we eat, hoping to gain immortality by trying to change our animalic composition into something more closely resembling our chlorophyll-stoked buddies.

This is usually done in an attempt to disguise ourselves so we can hide from cancer and cardiovascular disease.

In short, the process is a lot like the nutritional equivalent of jamming tufts of grass into your hat band to avoid being shot during deer season.

However, cancer is actually smarter than that — smart enough that it can tell the difference, and will have no problem running you down like a wolf after a hamster, though heart problems are a bit slower on the uptake, so if you scarf a bunch of flavonoids and change your address frequently you might be able to maintain a three- to five-day lead on heart disease for a while.

Assuming that flavonoids actually do something.

So far the plants aren't talking — just sitting on the sidelines and whispering to each other. Maybe smirking a little.

If you do decide to join the trendy parade and gobble flavonoids, you have more than 4,000 to choose from, and they're everywhere.

They are derived from 2-phenylchromen-4-one, 3-phenylchromen-4-one, and 4-phenylcoumarine compounds, and are found virtually by the handful in citrus fruits, berries, ginkgo biloba, onions, parsley, pulses, random uninteresting vegetables, tea (especially white and green), red wine, sea-buckthorn, dark chocolate, Froot Loops, Cap'n Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, beer, cigars, whiskey, marijuana, heroin, crack cocaine, and lizard ear wax deposits.

So take your pick.

Many flavonoids are aromatic, such as those found in onions, cigars, and roadkill, but in addition, flavonoids are also water soluble.


You can employ these last characteristics to pee out your own camp site boundary and thereby avoid confusion about who actually got to the best spot first.

In case of trespassers not respecting those boundaries, just pee out a bit on them too, and then later on you'll be able to use a sniff test to positively identify any late-night creepers trying to infringe on your territory under cover of darkness.

And finally, we should add that various anti-viral, anti-allergic, anti-platelet, anti-inflammatory, anti-tumor and anti-oxidant properties have been reported for flavonoids by random bigshot scientists who normally don't even speak to the likes of us.

However, no anti-tank properties have yet been reported for flavonoids, so if you have a problem with armored divisions roaring around and tearing up your campsite up while you're trying to get some essential shut-eye, you're still pretty much on your own there, although you could try throwing onions.

If that doesn't work, then maybe urinating on the treads of passing armored vehicles might help, but do retain a cautious eye on those whirring tank treads and whatnot, lest you get your delicate plumbing caught up in the works.

Or simply use shoulder-mounted, wire-guided firepower, which is often efficacious. Moms, always leaning a bit toward the conservative side, frequently recommend this option, but it requires proper licensing under several articles of the Geneva Convention, and can end up being a tad expensive for casual use, and, of course, may result in unfortunate levels of retaliation from those annoying military types.

But hey, if you simply want to eat while on the trail and don't care about the fancy details, or desire to eat vegetable byproducts, just buy something in a bag, add hot water, and stick your head into it. Munch until done and see how you feel. You'll probably feel OK mostly. Usually it doesn't get better than that anyhow, so save your extra money for beer, which always works.