Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Merino Wool

Merino Wool

(1) A kind of wool that provides a good balance of insulation, durability, odor resistance, and moisture absorption. Due to its fine fibers it feels soft and does not itch like normal wool. Often used in socks and some brands of underwear.

(2) Sheep fuzz of such insanely high quality that it very nearly has its own religion.

It is warm in the cold and cool in the heat. It wicks away sweat. It sheds water, retains its warmth when wet, and doesn't stink even when given permission to. And it is soft.

And not itchy. And has a great warmth to weight ratio. And a knack for regulating body temperature. And repels flies, mosquitoes, ticks, mad dogs, and unpleasant hiking partners.

True merino also adds a spicy yet clean almost peppery dimension to salads, though when stir-fried with vegetables or added to stews it paradoxically produces an unexpectedly rich, deep, mushroom-like flavor.

If combined with a little fresh fruit and yeast, tightly corked and left in a cool dark place, merino brews itself into a stimulating lightly carbonated drink that is hopping with vitamins and anti-oxidants yet surprisingly never intoxicates.

Besides all that, merino makes great socks that wear almost forever, and are so single-mindedly committed to keeping you safe and comfy that if you ever really do get deep into trouble, just kick off your shoes, tap your woolly heels together three times, and repeat "There's no place like home."

If you are wearing Genuine Merino Wool FuzzySocks, you'll instantly be whisked back to the safety of your very own childhood bed, even if you were a homeless orphan and fended for yourself in the streets and alleys from age five, and never even had a bed, only a pointy stick.

Of course if your socks say Genuine Merino Wool but are actually Genuine Fake Merino Wool, well then you're probably screwed. Might as well eat the socks to at least get a little roughage and some salt back into your system, and then hope for the best, if that is even possible any more.


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