Done

Done. This blog is now archived.

Got better, more realistic things to do from here on out.

What's here already will stay but not be updated.

Bye then.

 

Pot Stand

(1) A pot stand is a support that goes under a cooking pot to hold it above the stove's burner. Some stoves have them built in. (Are you excited yet?)

(2) A marijuana patch found back in the hills. In the recent past these were usually watched over by cutthroats, but nowadays they may be watched over by upstanding, cutthroat, and yet legal entrepreneurs. Go figure.

(3) Pot Stand is a game played by long-distance backpackers who are desperate for entertainment after endless weeks on the trail.

This so-called game consists of putting a cooking pot down in a level place and then doing a headstand on top of it. The one who lasts the longest wins. If no one can do this at all, then the one who comes closest to getting upside down is the winner. If no one can get close to being upside down, then the hikers may just roll around in the dirt. Some of them like that sort of thing.

But sometimes the hikers just eat, grunt a few times, scratch a bit, and go to bed, often without washing up first.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Grunted once. Maybe twice. No one seemed to notice.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Open-Ended Zipper

(1) The open-ended zipper uses a "box and pin" mechanism to lock the two sides of the zipper's end into place when the zipper is closed, but it also "comes apart" when it is fully opened. This type is often used in jackets and other outerwear that has to fully open.

(2) Unlike the closed-ended zipper, this baby knows no limits. Just you, the sky, and the open road, my friend.

Grab, pull, and keep pulling as long as you want — this zipper will stay with you to the end, and there isn't any. Go for it.

The open-ended zipper isn't infinite though. That's the point. You don't have to think about it, only pull. No philosophical implications whatsoever. No guilt, nothing. The zipper does all you need by coming apart where it needs to.

And here's the kicker — it's supposed to come apart at the far end. One end for open, one end for closed. That's it!

Pull one way and it closes up nice and snug. Pull the other and your jacket's fully open so the bugs can get in not only around your neck, but from the front too, and around the bottom. In fact, if the bugs are really thick, and hungry, and your jacket is unzipped as the professionals say, well those bugs can slide your whole jacket right off you the way you peel a banana, but easier (cuz the zipper's open), and expose all of your tasty goodness.

And, at no extra cost, you get the same benefits with this kind of zipper as with all the rest — teeth.

Yep.

Any odd body parts or areas with loose skin or stray hairs can get sucked right in and pinched in those teeth until you don't know what all.

Metal teeth are best for this, of course. And then when the zipper gets old, sometimes it splits apart right in the middle, so you can have it zipped up tight and cozy and then suddenly your soft belly is out in the cold wind again.

Not to mention jamming. Buttons never rose to this level of sophistication.

When the open-ended zipper is working right its bottom has a sort of little box on one side and a pin-like deelybob on the other that fits into the empty slot in the box, and that locks it, for when you want to zip up and go do gnarly stuff.

That's about it. Go for it if you dare.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Still bleeding a bit.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Number 10 Zipper

(1) One heavy weight zipper.

Used for 10-inch (25 cm) diameter openings, which is big enough for a housecat (or determined raccoon) to get through.

Very few (possibly no) backpackers need a zipper of this size, or know how to use one safely.

Originally based on sixteenth century British artillery regulations, zipper size was directly related to the size of the shot carried in ammunition bags.

A number three zipper was used for four-pounders, a number five zipper was adequate for 18 pounders, and so on.

These shot bags, ammunition bags, or ball sacks as they were popularly known, were quite a lot like modern bowling ball bags, except that they were canvas, held a dozen balls when full, required a crew of six to carry, were used under fire, and had no clever handles.

Cannons, at the time this system was established, maxed out at a ball weight of 42 pounds (19 kg), and that was for a diameter of 6.68 inches (17 cm).

The 10 inch ball (or shot), as you can imagine, remained purely hypothetical, as it would have been impractically large and heavy.

Though impressive.

Another way of saying it is that a 10-incher would have been something to write home about.

Even to your mother.

If you claim that you need a number 10 zipper, for anything, let alone backpacking, then you are blowing serious smoke from your muzzle.

(2) But seriously, a zipper whose width when zipped closed is 10 millimeters. Likewise for number three zipper, number five zipper, and so on. This definition is no fun at all. Truth is too often like that.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Only have a learner's permit.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Muscle Relaxant

(1) Pedantic definition: A drug affecting skeletal muscle function to decrease muscle tone. It may be used to alleviate symptoms such as muscle spasms, and pain induced by hiking. It either blocks transmission of nerve impulses or decreases the excitability of the nerves.

(2) Practical definition: Beer. Fermented sugar. Alcohol. Grain alcohol (ethanol). Used externally it can cook your food, after a match is applied to it. Used internally it can cook your brain. It also relaxes stiff, tense muscles as a secondary effect of working its magic on brain cells, which it will destroy if abused, so always be nice to your beer.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? My sips are sealed.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Love Nest

(1) Classically interpreted, in trailspeak, a "love nest" is two sleeping bags zipped together.

Sometimes, however, this doesn't work quite as well as planned, and then what do you do, unzip your half of the pod and sort of nonchalantly scooch over to the other side of the tent and hope you won't be missed?

Maybe.

How the exact scenario plays out can depend a lot on whether anyone in the immediate neighborhood is reaching for a knife at the time.

(2) A tent.

Even if you are alone this can still work.

Even a bivy sack can work, if you have the right kind of imagination and put your mind to it, whether you have friends or not. Etc.

(3) A shallow recess or niche in a cliff. An overhang. Space under a cedar tree. Dense covering shrubbery. Anywhere, anything handy that will get you out sight and/or out of the wind and rain, so you have enough privacy to do the stuff you need to do. Whatever it happens to be. We're not asking.

(4) Codpiece.

(5) Your bed at home, which you suddenly get this intense, almost romantic longing for, after you've been on the trail for a while.

You remember its soft touch, its gentle embrace, its warmth. Its cleanliness. The way you snuggled the pillow and it snuggled back.

You recall those endless nights of bliss, when you snored like a wart hog and the bed not only accepted you without reservation but seemed to beg for more.

You yearn for the times when you woke, not in the dark, in the wilderness, with hordes of flies waiting for you in the trees, in the grass, in the bushes, but well after the sun was already up, when you woke rested, refreshed, comfy, yet able (and sometimes willing) to relapse at any moment, to nap again with wild abandon, if the impulse took you.

Well, that's gone now. Gone now. Long gone. Now your life is dirt and sweat and dust and bugs. No love, no nest.

Example: "It could get cold tonight. Let's get into our new love nest and see if it works. Luckily I brought one big enough for all six of us."

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Never actually had the opportunity.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Tensioning Guy Lines

One thing that I read about in the late 1950s has stuck with me. I don't see it used or even talked about, which is surprising. It's immensely useful for backpacking.

What I read about was how to moor a boat using a real rope and a piece of rubber rope.

Rubber rope is a thing I've never seen, but it's the idea that counts. The same idea in the world of backpacking shelters works out to be what's called "shock cord", which is just an elastic core wrapped in fabric.

You tie some of this into the middle of a guyline for a tent, or a tarp, or a hammock tarp, and leave a little slack in the real guy line, and this lets the tent or tarp move a little, give a little in the wind, like a flexible tree bending a little, but not snapping off.

The thing is, it's hard to fasten a length of plain shock cord so it stays tied. All knots in the stuff eventually work loose.

Well, you can run this stuff through a little soft metal tube and then crimp the tube, but where do you get super lightweight metal tubing about 1/8" in diameter, in like 1" segments? (3mm by 25mm) There are things like this made for exactly this purpose, but you don't see them just sitting around in every store, and it's baffling what a guy could use as a substitute, so I've been stumped.

Yeah, so today while buying groceries and letting myself be open for ideas about whatever, and also to kill time, I blithely wandered through the women's doodad section at the supermarket and had a nice bingo moment.

Goody. Goody Ouchless Hair Elastics and Goody Ponytail Holders. Yep. Them's things, and they were there. Just about what I wanted, and all ready-made. Cheap too.

Goody.com doesn't have details. You have to follow the links from there to Walmart or Target and check them, and that's where I stole the images you see here. Too good not to steal.

I made a dumb graphic (right below) showing how to use elastic with guylines and it shows way too much slack, but I'm not going to do it over, so use your imagination. And what looks like a knot on each side should be in red. Or something. The graphic should be clearer, but I'm not a pro, hey. (Another D'Oh! moment, brought to you by me.) But it's the idea that counts, and this is one idea that is really fine. Think about it. I believe you've even caught on already. The elastic stretches just so far under heavy stress, and then the actual guyline takes over. Brilliant, as they say.

Guy line with elastic tensioner, showing way too much slack.

Ouchless hair elastics.

Ouchless hair elastics showing thickness.

Ponytail holders.

One ponytail holder, showing "welded" ends — no knots, no crimping, etc. Woot!

Updated tensioner graphic. More schematic but possibly no clearer. At least I tried, eh?

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Still trying after all these years.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Kerosene

1) Kerosene is a petroleum distillate used in cook stoves and some older backpacking stoves. It can also be used in wick-fed lamps. It is a thin and colorless flammable hydrocarbon oil also known as "paraffin", and is sometimes used as a solvent. (Exciting, right?) It is sometimes also known as "range oil", "stove oil", or "coal oil". All of which are just as exciting. True! (Can you feel it?)

2) But wait! There's more! Kerosene is alternately described as a light petroleum oil, one that generates pronounced fumes and dark, greasy smoke, blackens cookware, and clogs stoves. (Hey! That's something!) It is non-explosive but stinky. (I.e., similar to diesel fuel in a lot of ways.) While it evokes all the romance and charm of diesel, it is no longer easy to find in the U.S., though it is more available elsewhere — places where aroma is valued. But it burns hot, if you can get it lit. Have fun with that.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Will definitely do some thinking next week, maybe.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Invertebrate

Insects, worms, spiders, crabs, lobsters, skeeters, flies, various wiggly things and so on, for example.

Kind of like a generic case of what an insect is but not as tasty, though still with too many legs, and other parts that get waved around a lot. Also crunchy if you stomp it, if it has a shell, which is its skeleton, if it has a shell, but some of these guys are simply barely-organized glop held together by slime.

And for some reason, way too many of them seem fascinated by us, and want to get close.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com

Me? Mostly spineless, it's true, but definitely working on the slime thing.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Humus

(1) "The finely divided, amorphous organic matter that is diffused through mineral material in a soil profile", according to the Toolik-Arctic Geobotanical Atlas. They sound smart, so maybe they're right. But also...

(2) Dirt. Humus is dirt. The stuff trails are made of. What plants eat.

(3) Humus is dirt with organic matter in it, which is the kind of thing that plants really prefer to eat instead of just plain dirt, if they can get it. But they're not all that fussy. Which is a good reason to use a backpacking hammock that keeps your kiester a couple of feet above any potential threats from creeping tendrils. Or, if you do sleep on the ground, use the buddy system — get up early and just let the plants take your buddy. But you need a lot of buddies for that, even for a week-long trip, so a hammock is maybe your best bet here.

(4) Humus is typically dark brown or even black soil containing a lot of organic substances, which are partly or completely composted plant and animal remains. This stuff provides nutrients for plants and keeps them happy. Happy, well-fed plants are less likely to become aggressive than the other kinds of plants, so they hardly ever chase hikers around, etc. Humus also increases the ability of soil to hold water, another thing that plants like, so pee as much as you can while you're out there in order to leave a good impression. Peeing helps keep the soil moist and the sound is like music to plants, both good public relations moves. Peeing soothes plants, calms them, and the suckable salts and minable minerals keep them occupied long enough for you to tiptoe away.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Have never trusted plants, especially the ones with eyes.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Pot Gripper

(1) A tool. The usual, what you use so you don't burn youse little fingies.

(2) A hiking companion with a death grip. One who won't pull his head out of your cook pot until he's eaten the contents and licked it clean, before you even know it's ready.

(3) Pretty much anything with teeth, sometimes found attached to your butt, or if spotted early enough, that thing with teeth which pursues you, in an attempt to first attach itself to your butt, and then claim your food. Larger models with bigger mouths and longer teeth may optionally be found attached to your head area. Either situation can result in awkward and inconvenient moments, so it's probably best to abandon your food as quickly as possible, retreat to some place far away, and wash off any scent of food, especially from your butt, if you're the kind of person who gets food on their butt. (We're not asking, only judging.)

(4) Any event which makes you hug your cookpot ever so tightly with trembling hands and sends your you-know-what into a full-on pucker. You've probably visited this pot-gripper mode a couple of times. A good recovery can be had by instead finding a cozy, well-watered spot, far from anyone and anything so much as you can tell, sitting down, and quietly fixing supper, though if you still have one, the wrong hiking companion (see a previous definition) can foil this or any process, truth be told. In that case the best option may be to stake out said companion on the ground and leave him or her for the night-creepers who are sure come snuffling along at some point. They are superbly equipped for the exercise and do a fine job of sorting things out.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Hanging on for dear life.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Fuels

(1) Government definition: "Plants and woody vegetation, both living and dead, that are capable of burning."

(2) Pyromaniac definition: "All them things what make the purdy flames."

(3) Backpacker definition: White gas, butane, isobutane, propane, isopropane, alcohol, kerosene.

(4) Ultralight backpacker definition: Navel lint, stray threads from hiking shorts (if not traveling naked), nose, armpit, and eyebrow hairs, spider webs, moss, twigs, earwax.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Never touch the stuff.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Eye

(1) The thing you see with. If you think you might ever want a second look at something, get two of them.

(2) Target-shaped organ that naturally and inevitably attracts insects, dirt, stray hairs, twigs, fingers, and all sorts of other stuff. In case of bar fights, it provides a soft cushion for your opponent's fist, thereby protecting your head and his knuckles. (Or, to be fair, maybe her knuckles.)

(3) Breeding ground and natural habitat of eye boogers.

(4) What hikers use to find trails with.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Sometimes I actually still prefer curb feelers.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Dystrophic

(1) A habitat low in nutrients, and toxic as well.

Wow. Talk about a bummer.

Especially if it's your campsite.

(2) A brownwater lake.

Right, brownwater lake. And you'd find one of those where? Adjoining that toxic campsite, my friend. Adjoining.

Hey, where are you backpacking anyway?

Other words that come to mind are acidic, tannins, and humic derivatives. Humic derivatives, of which humic acid is one, birthed by decomposing vegetation such as is found in ponds with peat-filled margins. And you know where you find those? Bogs.

Go look up bog if you want to ruin a nice day. Or any day. Oh god now I'm getting depressed again.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Been there, decayed quietly.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Heaps O Swollen Cumulosity

Cumulus Cloud...

(1) Literally a pile of cloud, a mound, a heap, a dump, like a huge white dropping hanging in the sky over your head, suspended as if by magic.

Only they don't wander alone, these clouds. They always occur in herds.

Think herds of turds.

Big giant white ones, just itching to break open and dump everything they have right on your noggin.

So always wear a hat.

(2) A dense, white, fluffy, flat-bottomed cloud with a cauliflower-like rounded top and a well-defined outline, caused by a thermally unstable air mass ascending into the deep infinite blue sky to an altitude averaging 2 miles (3.2 km), but sometimes overshooting the target altitude and continuing to rise ever more rapidly until they explode into lightning, thunder, hail, tornadoes, cats, dogs, mice, wolves, and rain that falls hard enough to remove both the paint and the primer from that 1947 Ford pickup truck you are hiding under out in the pasture, which works well enough until the Lightning Targeting Subsystem finishes calibrating itself, and like the Death Star frying planet X, it strikes out at the simple minded hubris that inspired you to go trespassing in the outdoors.

Hah! Fool! ZZZZZap!

(3) A large white puffy cloud that develops through convection.

On a hot, humid day this pushes moisture-heavy air upward until the temperature of the air drops, resulting in condensation and towers of cloud which can then develop into cumulonimbus clouds, the ones with the really heavy artillery.

In this case it might help if you have along a member of your party that you don't really need. An expendable. Like on every Star Trek episode. You know a few, the people you've never seen before who fill up the back of the shuttle when all the bigshots go down to the surface of a strange and spooky planet to poke around.

Those people in the back are the ones that disappear into big cracks that suddenly form in the ground or who get eaten by odd life forms with a hitherto unknown and perversely unpredictable taste for low-ranking humans in uniform, or some itinerant mechanical gizmo that wobbles by and, apparently solely for the purposes of idle amusement, crushes a few.

Offer up one of those to the sky gods and see what happens.

But it probably won't work because cumulus clouds are actually among the most intelligent of clouds and are not easily fooled, especially by people of your caliber.

Nor are they immensely amused by those who try to fool them, so keep your wits about you.

Keep in mind too that ultimately you are in a game you will lose no matter how many times you seem to escape death.

So perhaps you should give up now, while you still have all your fingers and toes and enough of your brain cells left to make rational decisions possible, and go elsewhere, out of sight of cumulus clouds.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Finishing my 17th year of staying indoors, under the bed.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Buzzard Bait

(1) A poorly-prepared hiker, or one who is injured or sick, who requires emergency help or else will be eaten by birds.

(2) Ultralight backpackers, as viewed by jealous and unbelieving conventional backpackers, the assumption being that since ultralighters are not in pain, they can't possibly be carrying enough gear or food, or whatever, and therefore will perish. Soon. So very soon now.

This is belied by figures such as Brian Robinson and Andrew Skurka, who each used these techniques to safely hike thousands of miles in a single year and set records for distance and speed.

And completely avoided all flocks of ugly nippy birds.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Never really liked birds all that much. And now this...

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Ax Me Anything (Hardware Edition)

Ax...

(1) To pose a question, but it's best not to push this too far. (See example, below.)

(2) A big knife-like thingy used for gross whittling exercises. Uses large muscle groups.

(3) Shaving instrument handy for rough first approximations or executions.

(4) Toy good for cutting off fingers.

(5) Heavy metal tool on a stick.

Normally this sort of implement is used to hack at things for various reasons, as in chopping up deadfall found on trails, or while constructing log bridges, water bars, and so on, but when misused these implements become known as "axes of evil".

The stick part is called the "handle". (Dig it.)

The place where the stick fits into the metal part is the "ax hole". (Ditto, sort of.)

Etc.

(6) Sounds made by a famished backpacker finally able to sit down to dinner after a 14-hour, 30-mile day, only to discover that the food is inedible. But it still has to be eaten in order to fend off death. (Pronunciation guide: Singular, ack. Plural, acks.) Generally, any sound which is the opposite of yum.

Sometimes the acking noises are caused by too many bugs in the food, but backpacking being what it is, backpacking meals can never have too many bugs.

If people ack at bugs in food it's a sure sign that they have slim credentials and haven't been on the trail long enough to need protein and vitamin supplements, so acking that progresses to retching is likely to result in revocation of one's backpacking license.

(7) Also known as "axe". (If words containing just two letters are too hard for you.)

 

Example: "Go ahead, ax me a question," said Ed, for the 37th time that day, which is what prompted Sue to finally reach for her ax.

A single-bit ax has one sharp edge and a double-bit ax has two of them, so with the latter you tend to realize more quickly when one has bitten you, as in Ed's case, though he soon began thinking of other things, and then didn't do much of anything for, like, forever mostly.

Sue later went on to become an ax for hire and brought peace to many more relationships. (After first finishing her hike.)

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Guess.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Zipper Pull

Pull It, See What Happens.

 

(1) The amount of political, economic, social, or personal influence that your zipper has on the world. If you're laughing at this, then you are not famous and your very own zipper (and anything near it) has no pull. Loozah!

(2) A competitive and frantic backpacking sport, but played solo. It's just you pitted against that entire package of fig newtons you ate two hours ago. Good luck, because losing that race isn't funny. To you.

(3) That little dangly thing hanging off the zipper which you pull on as the first step in the process of bleeding your lizard, or which you pull on to cut off the draft after you've finished with the lizard stuff. NO — it's the little dangly thing ON THE ZIPPER, not the other little dangly thing.

How it works is the zipper pull is attached to the "slider", which is the part that pulls together the nasty "teeth", which are in turn attached to the "zipper tape", which is sewn into your pants, which is why it's all so solid and can get such a firm and unforgettable grip on you if you don't pay attention to what you are doing and how you are doing it. (It's like a sort of mechanically-operated IQ test.)

So, pulling on the zipper pull is a process that aids in causing many unfortunate accidents that could never occur when buttons ruled the earth, even if people were just as careless way back when.

(4) What allows you to get snugly and securely wrapped in your sleeping bag when you're tired and cold, and then when you wake up in the dark, having to pee like crazy, the thing that jams and keeps you snugly and securely locked in. Good luck with that.

(5) That deeply tingling feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you step off the platform and go shooting down the zip line, especially if you discover, one or more microseconds too late, that only one end of the zip line is actually firmly attached to anything. Also known as The Ultimate Gravity Experience.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Being extra-careful lately.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

En Contra

I don't live there anymore, but around 20 years back I was out early on a quiet Sunday morning with my camera, standing on the trail next to my tripod in the Capitol State Forest just west of Olympia, WA. I was wondering what my next shot might be when there was a movement off to my right. I turned my head and looked, and saw a really weird brown dog galumphing down the trail toward me.

It was short at the shoulder, its legs only half as long as they should have been, and its head bobbed up and down wildly like that of a hobbyhorse. Nothing about this made sense. It was an animal but put together wrong. I was totally confused.

After a scant few seconds I took a step back to get a bit of perspective change, and the dog-thing-whatever instantly turned itself inside out in less an eye blink and was rapidly retreating the way it had come, still brown, still too low to the ground, still baffling.

But I saw its tail then. I saw that. The tail was long. Really, really long. Brown. As thick as my arm, with that distinctive cat-tail curve.

By the time it reversed course it was maybe within 30 feet of me (9m), just on the other side of a short little jog in the trail. Good thing I moved when I did. It was almost on me.

The whole episode was so strange that I was confused for hours, even though I did inspect the trail and found one perfect kitty-print in the dust, about 4" in diameter (10cm). I finally had to admit that it was a cougar, had to have been, and couldn't have been anything else. Only two hours later, long after I'd left the forest, did fright set in.

This happened in total silence.

I've also seen two lynx, one from my car in Olympic National Forest, trotting nonchalantly down the side of a paved road toward me, and the other in Port Angeles, around 4 a.m. within a block of the Olympic National Park headquarters. Crazy-wild long legs, relaxed trot, fuzzy beer can tail, headed south. Lynx don't live on the Olympic Peninsula. Officially.

You never know.

 

And, a response from our reader...

 

Funny shaped animals on The Trail
Regarding your cougar encounter...

Soon after I moved to the PNW (from Michigan) in 2000, I was living in a furnished apartment in Eastgate waiting for my house stuff to be packed up and moved out to my new house. I was in the habit of going out for an evening jog up the hill behind my house, on a really nice trail that just happened to be there.

One evening, on my way back home I'm jogging along the trail and see a flash of brown cross the trail in front of me. My midwestern brain says, "deer!" When I got to the section of trail where the brown fur had crossed, I stopped to look for tell-tale deer prints, of which there were none. Which I found odd. I walked backwards down the trail towards home for 50 feet, watching for any sign of anything but couldn't see a thing. So I turned and the instant I turned my back I heard a single branch snap. I whipped back around, looking intently for the something that I now knew was watching me, but I couldn't see a thing. So I continued walking away, backwards down the trail.

As I exited the trail, I paid new attention to the sign, noting that I was indeed trail running on Cougar Mountain.

Matt (Wed, Jan 31, 12:39 PM)

 

And then Dave sez...

Cats - you never know. Stuff is out there. Also, yet another reason I'll never go hiking on Brokeback Mountain.

What I've found outdoors is that if you stay quiet and don't move around too much, you witness a lot of things, just by being there.

Probably the strangest for me was seeing a water shrew as I was sitting next to a stream drying my feet after crossing it.

Something exploded out of the water and ran across the surface, then plopped back in. Did that twice more while I was there. I eventually found some info on what it must have been. Before that I'd had no idea that there even was such a thing.

This is pretty good...
Tiny Water Shrews Are the "Cheetahs of the Wetlands".
Nature on PBS: "A water shrew is an insectivore no bigger than a thumb..."
Video (<= Until the link rots anyway.)

 

encounter (n.): Circa. 1300, "meeting of adversaries, confrontation".
From Old French encontre "meeting, fight, opportunity".
Ultimately from Latin in "in" (from PIE root en "in") + contra "against".
Etymonline

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Dizzy. Call me dizzy.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Yogi

(1) The art of swindling food from others, normally from gullible campground residents and clueless tourists, amazed that anyone would actually walk somewhere without being forced to at gunpoint. Technically, yogi-ing must be managed without actual begging. The mark has to believe that they are being magnanimous, and acting on their own volition. This whole deal is named after Yogi the Bear of cartoon fame, who specialized in making off with picnic baskets. (Which he called "PIK-a-nik baskets".)

(2) Mooching food, a ride, or anything else of value from locals or from day hikers.

(3) One who yogis. A con artist in hiking boots who looks pathetic enough that otherwise normal people will go out of their way to help. To yogi successfully one needs to induce people to uncritically "help" without thinking it through first. Asking for a handout is considered begging and not professional-quality yogi-ing.

(4) Yogi-ing may also include the "innocent" or "accidental" theft of another hiker's food, snacks, or special treats, especially while on tight rations due to the thief's poor menu planning. Sometimes the "logic" presented is "You just left it there", or "I didn't think you wanted it", or "I thought you were done with it". And so on.

Punishments can range from a mild reprimand to involuntary separation of reproductive organs from the yogi's body.

(5) The purest yogi-ing is an art, the art of "letting" food be offered cheerfully by strangers without actually asking them directly. While asking for something is generally not allowed, and begging is not fair play at all, and actual stealing is out, limping, wistfully staring, quiet whimpering or similar hints are allowed.

(6) A mythical being thought to be responsible for episodes of trail magic. Sometimes seen during the hours of dusk, or at night, hovering in a vague aura of ghostly luminescence on, near, or just above deserted trails. Anyone witnessing this phenomenon is advised to leave at least a token offering to ensure good luck. It can't hurt.

Example: Ed is a master yogi. He hardly has to carry any food at all. But then yogi-ing is an art quickly mastered by the hungry, and Ed is always hungry.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I just ate, thank you very much.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Wood

A landscape in the process of being eaten by trees and converted to wood.

 

(1) The original solid fuel, right after dung.*

(2) What you'd do if you could. Oh — wait a minute, that's "would." Never mind.**

(3) The substance of which trees are made, i.e., the hard fibrous lignified substance under the bark of trees. Maybe you've seen some. Mostly responsible for the woofy sounds you hear in the woods when you're out there alone, in the dark. But other things make similar noises, so keep your wits about you, and count your fingers when you get back home, if you do.

(4) A complex organic material composed of cellulose fibers (strong under tension) embedded in a matrix of lignin (strong under compression). Wood is produced in the stems of trees and other perennials, without permission, and under no supervision whatsoever.

(5) The substance making up the central trunk and branches of a tree. Used in construction, or as raw material for manufacturing things like toothpicks.

(6) A complex naturally-occurring polymer of sugar generally regarded as a pretty nifty thing. Used to make sawdust and pencils, among many other fine products. Unfortunately wood, like everything else, is at least 99.9999999% blank, empty space seething with random energies and subject to violent quantum fluctuations that can be understood feebly at best, and then only through sophisticated stochastic methods requiring the attainment of advanced educational levels at obscure institutions, plus lots of equipment. It's a strange and frightening universe, so watch out next time you throw a stick onto that fire there, Bud.

 

* What's brown and sounds like a bell?

** What would wood, if only wood could, nevermind should. (English spelling and pronunciation, go figure.)

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Stumped.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Verglas

(1) A thin coating ice on rock or other exposed surfaces. Extremely slippery and usually invisible. Fun!

Might be caused by freezing fog or freezing drizzle, or melted ice that slowly re-freezes and solidifies as pure ice without air bubbles. And so on.

(2) A veneer of "black" (i.e., invisible) ice on rock. (In case you didn't get it the first time.)

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Never touch the stuff.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Turnpike

(1) A trail built with a bed raised above wet, boggy areas, done so by placing mineral soil over fabric between parallel side logs or rocks that run along the edges of the trail tread.

The tread must be "crowned" or raised in the center to enhance runoff, and small ditches usually run along the sides to provide even more drainage.

(2) Or, try this...A turnpike is a road or trail constructed from a combination of gravel, soil, and other filler to make the tread higher than the surrounding water table. Turnpikes are useful in low-lying areas with poor drainage. Boardwalks (See the picture?) are often used instead of turnpikes to accomplish the same goal. So there. (Calm down — it's just a path.)

(3) An overused trail, mostly for getting casual amblers to the more trendy and scenic (i.e., "money shot") backcountry. Turnpikes are often flat, wide, at least sort-of paved, and pretty much always crowded, these days with way too many selfie-clicking idiots.

Examples:

(1) The turnpike allowed us to keep our feet dry, and we also managed to stay out of reach of the bog monster, though we threw it all our spare food, just to be extra safe.

(2) A turnpike sounds fancy (and dangerous in a high-speed way), but it's only something to help keep your feet dry while avoiding the bog monsters.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Lost my pike when I turned around. Oh, well...

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals